Shoebox Sentiments

"The downtown lights were each like faded starlit memories. This city is soaked and dripping of everything we are... of everything I hoped to be and everything I've become."

Downtown Chicago.
Every time I go underneath that bridge my mind races to that first moment you took me there. Underage. Freshman. Young and vulnerable. Amazed. Like a sponge soaking it all in. Never would I have guessed how the two of you would change my life forever.

Two guys and a girl.
Both my heart and one became my world.

I have never let my mind fully wander into the world you remained in.
Never let my heart fully break. Never let my thoughts fully grasp.
We can both remember that one night I actually did.
The tears were unending. I couldn't breathe. Couldn't see.
Life stopped. My world was pitch black.
I almost want to ask if you know how terrifying that is...
... watching the one person you love the most leave you in a room full of darkness.
But I've done that to you.
How do you see past the solitary black?
How do you grasp what could really only be your imagination?
After such a crucial blow has been dealt, how do you recover?

When I think about the world we used to share, I almost breakdown into tears.

That was life to me. You were life to me.
But I ultimately feel like I failed you.
I thought I was loving you. I thought I was unconditional.
I thought I was supportive. Encouraging. Inspiring.

But if all I was... was clueless...
An endless nag who instead of helping was hurting...
Then I have to come to terms that I really didn't know how to love you.
And that thought in itself blows my mind.

If I could describe in words how much I thought I was giving to you...
... maybe you would understand how hopeless I feel to know I was only taking from you and hurting you. Just like you said that you didn't feel like you were enough... I am so disoriented by this knowledge that I don't even feel like I was anything. Like I am anything.

You've colored my world black and white.
And left only one way or another.
You're my purest memory.
My greatest heartache.
A part of my very being that will always remain.

What do I do?

"The downtown lights were each like faded starlit memories. This city is soaked and dripping of everything we are... of everything I hoped to be and everything I've become."

This city is You.