High Rise & Free Falling

Pitch black. Gray smoke filled every inch to the brim.
Blue bar of light. Shrinking and growing.
Almost able to hold it between my fingers but it playfully moved itself out of reach.
Time to go. Eyes closed. Body moving.
Hold on for the ride. Roller-coaster. Free spin.
Door to the bed in one flash of light.
Pants. Sweater. Change now.
Half of pants and not a button-down.
What the hell is going on?
Youtube. Glow-sticks.
Letters and numbers. What do they mean?
Every second a new symbol.
Did you see that? Japanese.
Paper cutout animals and people.
Faces and emotions.
Pulling me in like a puppet show. Like I'm there.
Laughter. Pants. Sweater.
Frustration. Laughter.
More videos. On the bed.
And suddenly we're falling.
The bed is a wall and the wall is the sky.
Hold on! Oh my God.
We're falling. Stop laughing.
Can't you feel the pressure and the weight pushing downward on your skin?
It tingles. How do we stop? The bed. I'm falling off the bed.
What will I hold on to?
You tell me to move. I'm like lightning.
And you say, "What? What happened?"
Falling. After the falling came the swirling.
Down. Down. Down.
Down a black spiral drain.
My entire body swaying to the suction.
Pulling me in. My legs are shrinking.
"What? What's happening?"
Falling. Swirling. My neck!
Oh how my neck hurts.
Please go and get me some ibuprofen.
"Tell me what's going on."
Stop playing with me. I just told you.
The falling. The drain.
And at the end of the falling you were supposed to embrace me.
Arms open wide. Catch me. Hold me.
But you just stared at me. "Huh?"
Hold me! Please! Remember the falling?
Who is going to catch me?
Arms open. You stared at my open arms.
No closer did you come. Rejection.
"What's going on? You're freaking me out."
This story again. Just listen.
I keep telling you and telling you.
The falling. The drain. The embrace.
Rejection. Blank stares. More questions.
Lay with me. Please. I am so confused.
My neck is so painful. Please help me.
I need my ibuprofen.
Silence.
Phone calls. I think in my head about who I want to call. But after a few minutes...
...I am unable to determine whether I actually called them or not.
Like my thoughts became reality. Or did they?
Did I just imagine their voices? Their faces? Their tones?
I constantly am running images through my head.
Situations and their many pathways.
But I can tell which is real and which is fake.
Unless I'm dreaming.
PAUSE.
Looking at you. You are now so far away.
Please come closer and lay with me.
"You're freaking me out. What is going on?"
The same damn fucking questions.
I just need you to listen. Listen to me.
Listen to my story. Stop looking at me like I'm stupid.
Stop playing with my emotions.
My neck is hurting so badly. Please come closer.
Bring me my ibuprofen. I know it's far but I don't think I can walk.
Why do you want me to tell you the story again?
They all said they would get me ibuprofen. He said he would get me ibuprofen.
They want my pain to cease. You... you are just staring at me.
My tears are falling. So rejected. The pain is too much.
You're not listening to me. You never listen.
Did I just yell at you? I'm so sorry.
Was I yelling? "Huh?"
I'm sorry if I was yelling. It was just that we were falling.
Spiraling. Moving. Then you didn't do what you were supposed to.
You were supposed to catch me mid-air in an embrace.
Then when we were laying you were supposed to kiss me.
Even a short friendly kiss.
But there was nothing. You just stared at me.
And I curled into a ball of confusion.
Then more questions.
More and more and more questions.
I'm not talking to you anymore.
I'm sorry.
I know what you're doing.
Laughing at me.
Taking advantage of me like this.
I don't know what is going on an instead of guiding me.
Loving me. Being there for me.
You are making me into a joke.
Ha. Ha. Ha.
What a funny guy.
I just wanted you to play your part in the ending.
And now all I can remember is your blank stare.
Your stupid questions. How you egged on this insanity.
Ibuprofen? Now. Okay.
Let me lay here.
Doors. Open. Close. Maybe he can't find it.
Same door. Open. Close. Crinkle.
A wrapper? Food. I'm hungry.
Getting up at the door. You run to block my way.
Jerk. You lied. You didn't look for my ibuprofen.
You said you were going to and thought I would sleep.
Thought I would forget. Thought I was making up my need for it.
I'm heating up my delicious food and you are stuck eating candy.
That's what you get. No sharing. You left me.
And now you want to share with me?
I know you're hungry. Ok. Fine. Share.
Stop trying to trick me. To get me not to eat so you can have it all.
What is wrong with you? I am so angry with you.
For playing so many games. And not coming through.
For laughing at me when I was/am vulnerable.
For acting clueless when in reality you knew exactly what was going on.
A puppeteer and his toy.
We used to call you Toy Maker. And I felt bad for calling you "Toy."
But now I see that in reality you made me into a toy.
Stringing me along. Poor little puppet.
Stupid little puppet. Ignorant little toy.
How I slept I can't recall.
I just remember being in the bed. And hearing you watch movies on my laptop.
I looked over to you and expected a nurturing caring gaze.
But instead I saw more emptiness. More of the same.
"I didn't expect you to be sober."
"Are you sober?"
Of course I'm sober. Not really.
Just not talking to you.
Back to bed.
Back to my dreams.
Back to my delusional reality.
Darkness.
It all started in darkness with that blue bar.

Say What You Need to Say

ring ring.

Hello.

We only see each-other on our off times. You get up as I stay asleep. And when I fall asleep you still have hours left to go. You work. I work. My mom's. And somewhere in-between I feel like I've desensitized myself to you. Late the other night I realized that and felt really strongly on making that change. Somewhere in my head I thought that if I have been doing this to you - maybe things between us aren't as terrible as I think. I've just been so caught up somewhere else that I haven't been paying attention to what is really going on. Have you missed me? I can barely recall you wanting to lay together. Or you playing with my hair. So I decided to be vulnerable again. Ready to embrace you so that I would no longer take anything for granted or miss out on the slightest hints. But that last night. Quick. Brisk. Unattached. Then again today. No call in the morning and then telling me to stop getting my hopes up. Why is it that I was so convinced you'd ready to come straight here. You must've missed me. Come here and help me. Heh. Come here and just be with me. But all I got was a chill mockery to this newfound change I wanted to take place. Just because the immediate results were disappointing, it doesn't mean it will always be like this. That you will always be like this. Maybe your eyes need to be opened as well. I can't blame you for something you might not see. There were so many things I wanted to say to you. But in the end all there was was:

Good-bye.

All I Have To Give

Funny how life runs itself in circles. Bringing the past into the future and making the present the past. I saw Sammy yesterday. It was the first time we had seen each-other on our terms for the entire 10 years of having one another in our lives. He was my technical first boyfriend at 12 years old and of course it didn't work out. We were kids. And after that drama came and went Sam became one of my closest friends. I'm the type who keeps the people I love in my life forever. I don't make lifelong friendships every day, but the ones I do, I try to keep. I love the comfort that comes with someone who has known you through every up and down and in-between. For a long time it was me with Krystn and Sammy and then when high school hit Jo comes into play and Gina. There was Winda for the short time we were friends and Trisha. When in Mascoutah I had Britni and Kahiwalani. Now Mike... and of course there has always been Kris. These are the pieces of my heart and soul. Though I may not talk to some of these people every day or even often and there is one who I am sure cannot stand the idea of me... these are the people who have impacted and altered my life forever.

So we finally got to see each-other and the first thing he does is give me the look. The one where he looks like he's staring at the greatest creation on earth and that he can't believe he survived so long without it. I wasn't honestly expecting it. But there it was. So we go and meet his closest friends. He shows me all his artwork and all the tiny bits and pieces of his life he feels he can fit into the short time we have together. We talk about our families, relationships, friends, hopes and heartaches. And then of course it had to come. The moment where the past collides head-on with the present. But I have no room for my past in my present. I probably spend more of my time avoiding my past then I do trying to relive it. And of course he tells me all the things every girl wants to hear. The sincerity and heart and then of course the sadness that followed when I had nothing to give in return. How is it that I have had this exact moment with so many guys I have become close friends with? And regardless of how amazing their efforts are... there is no one I want to come home to but Kris.


We've had so much childish drama in our past. We have hurt each-other. We hurt each-other now. We argue and fuss about the past and frivolous nothings and yet when it comes to the final moment, all I want is him. We have made our mistakes. And are still trying to make our way through a good number of them. But it takes a smack of reality for me to realize that no matter how much we go through... I refuse to leave this relationship until I am positive that there is nothing left. That we have no fighting will. That all of our time and effort was not put in vain.

Maybe I'm ignorant. Naive. Hopeless.

Wake up call Lauren... love has not its imperfections.