Lee-Way Heart to Heart

Ever hear that humans are always their own toughest critic? I have come to notice that not only are we the hardest judges on ourselves but also on those we love the most. We push and we shove them into little moldings of what they should be to us instead of what they should or want to be for themselves. And in turn, they end up resenting us and we them for not being enough or for not understanding. It's a terrible game we play that only results in more pain and anger than was necessary. If we could all just take a few steps back, remove all of our personal prejudices and thoughts and really view a person for all they have to offer and want from life... if we take a moment to really see THEM versus see the person WE want from them... I think things would be so much different. We could honestly want the best for our lovers, our friends, our families... we would able to understand what we label their stupidities or their faults and take time to nurture their weakness and harbor their strengths. That's what helps a person grow. Not amplifying their mistakes or reminding them of how they haven't improved, we need to remember how hard some struggles are to get through and though it may be simple for you, they are not you... so try and give them that help and space they need to flourish in their own body. Why make them feel less than what they are? Challenge them in ways that make them happy to exceed their limits. Why make someone you love dread any part of themselves or their lives? If you truly love them, selflessly and unconditionally, then allow them to embrace their potential and be not a fiery wrath but a guiding light. And then maybe... you both will end up happier with each other.

Lotus Blossom vs. Dragon Lady

"There are two main stereotypes of Asian women in America. One is of the 'Dragon Lady', an Asian woman of exotic beauty, who is scheming, calculating, catty, sneaky, hypersexual, back-stabbing, and untrustworthy. Next you've got 'the Lotus Blossom', the quiet, silent, submissive Asian girl, passive, eager to please, and prudent. Over time this stereotype evolved into that of the 'Model Minority'... the straight A overachiever, obedient to the wishes of her parents...both types are silent in different ways. I've been personally subject to both of these stereotypes. And of course, neither stereotype fits who I really am."

Quoting a very talented artist I automatically knew which of the two I fit into. The other night my boss and I were discussing how I portrayed one image but really was another. He was asking whether I ever had daddy issues and what kind of girlfriend I was. What kind of single girl I was and whether there was a difference. It's funny how putting yourself into certain situations can completely change who you are. It makes me curious as to which one I really am. Sometimes I feel like if I had the ability and freedom to be who I wanted, so many aspects of my life would change yet somehow I feel like I'm always caged in one way or another. It's amazingly frustrating. I hate to feel like a runner because that's exactly what my father was. But sometimes, I don't know. I feel like that's exactly who I've come to be. I'll be back later to edit this post. Typing on my desktop is a lot different than typing on my laptop.

Love Will Endure

Time has no meaning
Love will endure
-
My soul will find yours

I just finished reading A Knight in Shining Armor by Jude Deveraux and it really lifted me from the slump I've been in all day. The main character was a woman I found I could relate to in the sense where she was constantly giving herself, hoping if she loved enough that things would end up good for her. Yet she was constantly being abused and taken advantage of by the men she was with because she allowed it and after having her heart broken so many times a man from medieval times shows up and thus begins their impossible romance. The passion they share and the pure enjoyment of each others' company is something I think everyone would want in their relationship. Fighting against the odds. Dealing with all the consequences. Trusting someone completely. Doing everything and anything in your power to try and provide the best for the one you love even when there is no gain for you. It's all romanticized and many would say impossible to find but the stupid thing is, I really do believe love is supposed to be that beautiful. That quote that says that love is really everything its cracked up to be, I believe it.



Kris and I had another one of our fall-outs last night. I guess it could have been worse. There has definitely been worse. But he came home from work tonight and jested lightly about turning on the TV while I was reading. He told me to go upstairs with him so we could eat dinner. He came to sit on the futon with me and allowed me to use his phone. It's like the white flag is flying almost immediately. People think I'm a fool and that he''s a fool for being together this long. Going through so much drama. So much pain. Heart attacks. Suicide. Moving away. New relationships. We have seen so much together I don't know how much more there could be. I ache without him more than I will ever ache with him. It's like he has this invisible grasp on me and without him, I really feel incomplete. Without him there to tease me. Without him there to catch me. Or push me. Without him there playing some game. Or talking about something technical I have to strain to understand.

I would miss all of his quirks. How there are "bed" clothes and "outside" clothes. And how his most expensive of things can only be touched in a certain way. I would miss how he always wants my company when he smokes or showers. How he can excel at everything and how he can make the world laugh. How great he dances. How he pushes me to come out of my shell.

Love is ridiculous. And unexplainable.
And its lack of reason is its reason.

I am always with hope that the book holds true and that love will most definitely endure.

Charlie

So we didn't get the miniature dachshund and to be honest, I'm really glad. We debated on getting a sugar glider but ended up getting Charlie our Australian Terrier. He's one and a half years old and is calm and amazingly obedient. He sits and stays and has the cutest little legs. We were going to rename his Bosley or Bosco but he responds to Charlie and we don't want him to become unresponsive to his training. Right now Kris and Charlie are sleeping next to me. Kris' head on my lap and Charlie right next to him. He's exactly what we were looking for in a dog, I wis Luna could have been this well behaved. I'm still curious how Kris is going to deal with his mother. He made this extravagant story and is convinced it'll work. I think he got me Charlie to pick me up from the rest of the stress in my life. Things with my mom are almost unimaginable. Kris and I had a really long talk about whether I would stay or go and now with her financial issues, there is no way I could move back home anyways. Thinking about it stresses me out. (sigh) I want to hold it off til' at least after the holidays. Then I'll tell my mom about me and Kris living together and all the dramam with school. I know she won't understand but I can't just move to Hoffman Estates, be away from school and my boyfriend, and my work, and my friends. I don't know there's just a lot going on and I'm only at the brink of it all. I'm just really glad that at least things are good at home with my two sleeping boys. Heh.

The Wretched Truth

So I've basically been avoiding this moment for the last year and a half. And there it is waiting for me on my doorstep. I hadn't been worrying about my mom changing jobs since I found out that she was directly affiliated to UIC. But now that we have new insurance, I need proof of full-time schooling.Shoot me now. So not only will she find out that I'm not at UIC but if she pays attention to the address she'll notice that I am no longer living at my old address. And of course this all had to happen right before the holidays. Funny how we always think we're doing things for the better and when the finally come out they really were all for the worst regardless. Hi Mom, just wanted to tell you that I'm not at UIC this semester. I wasn't full-time because I dropped Chemistry. And well, Kris and I live together. Surprise! Merry Christmas! (sigh) She's going to freak out and tell everyone so at Christmas they can all freak out at me. Then Kris is not going to want to spend Christmas with us. And then her and Rob will want me back home. Oh man... maybe I can just tell her that I am really trying to figure out my life on my own. That I haven't done the best job but that I'm still trying and will find my place eventually. It's going to crush her no matter how I say it and in turn will devastate me. Given that I've tried to tell her many times and she's been having so many other problems. I just wanted to figure out myself. And now here I am about to let it all spill all over the floor. I don't know. She's going to kill me. And then I don't know what comes next. There is no way for me to win this round. I'm going to have a heart-attack. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. Maybe they'll let me be. Maybe they'll be upset and then I'll finally have a clear slate and all this stress and worry will be gone because there won't be anymore lies. Honestly, I just want my mom to know the truth. I don't need anyone else to know. Knowing her, she'll tell them. But if I could just tell my mom. Let her know that my life hasn't been as easy I've played it out to be. Let her know how hard it's been and how I get a good amount of what she's going through. I don't know. Maybe she'll see how much we love eachother. That we've made everything work well so far. Maybe she'll see anything... something... I am going to lose my mind before the night is through. I don't even know how to start.

Fire Starter

Life is fleeting.
Death coming closer every second that passes.
And yet here we are dancing our little dance around the fires of endless worries.
Not stopping to awe at its glorious light.
Instead seeing the char and the fumes and the destruction.
Instead of the warmth and birth of commune to our lonely souls.
We spend so much time fretting.
Trying to please the shadows.
We forget that they possess none but darkness.
You cannot control whether the darkness will come to the light.
Whether a shadow will come forward, on its own, to embrace the embers of a human heart.
So faint at the get go but as it is fed it can become a powerful force.

We can only control ourselves in this life.
We have but only one match.
One flame. One fire.
We should choose to burn so bright that those in the dark yearn to join us.
Be so brave. So courageous. So triumphant through our downfalls.
That those who have nothing left but an empty silhouette.
Are forced to see that they are so much more.
That there is so much more.
And that the more is not impossible to reach.

There will always be an opposer.
There will always be obstacles.
There will always be devastation.
There will always be abandon.

Be the difference.
The change.
The light.

Be not afraid of your own fiery greatness.
And help those around you embrace their own.

The light of a fire can either warm or destroy.
The choice is always your own.

Over It

Funny how if we have to say we're over something, we're really not. We spend so much time trying to prove to everyone else when it's ourselves that we can't seem to prove it to. Why can't we just walk away? Eyes open. Eyes closed. Leave it at the door and lift the burdens of our hearts. Yet we choose to torture ourselves. Reminding ourselves of the past. Opening scars and making them fresh again. Why won't we just let ourselves heal?

Is it really that terrifying to let it all fall away? To be fresh and open to new wounds? Is it safer to stay damaged?

Living through it.
Getting over it.
Being happy.

Blah. More thoughts for later.

Leave Out All The Rest

Oh how terrifying blank slates can be. I haven't written in a while and I'm glad at least a lot has happened in its place. Thanksgiving came and went in the blink of an eye. Lucky for me, this year Thanksgiving was also my birthday. I got to spend it with my family and with Kris. My little sister loves him which is a lot to say because she doesn't really let anyone hold her but my parents and me. My mom was even surprised. There was a ton of food, in ice-cream cake, and most of my family was there. It was really a lot to be thankful for. We stayed til' everyone left and Kris had no complaints. He usually gets antsy but as of late, he's been really great with giving me time and space with my family. And he's been getting closer to them too. The night prior, Kris and some of my friends took me out to Bourbon Street. It was my first bar/club experience and I had a lot of fun. I felt kind of bad though because I went with my guys friends and I hated feeling like I was leaving them alone. I need more girl friends pronto. There was so much dancing and of course I picked that night to wear stupid pointy shoes. Heh. My favorite drink is definitely a fuzzy navel. I've probably had over 20 over them since my birthday. A lot of creepy guys tried dancing with me and my friends and Kris had to keep saving me. Kris almost killed this guy who kept saying his name was St. Paul St. Paul. I got a free Bourbon Street t-shirt and Kris stole St. Paul's lighter. It really was a great night for me. Lots of techno, amazing drinks, and people I love. What more can a girl ask for?

So after Bourbon was Thanksgiving then after Thanksgiving was work and then my birthday party. Phew. That's a mouthful. Anyways, I'm glad a billion people didn't show up for my party because we honestly don't have the space for it. Some of the most important people in my life showed up which made me really happy. My cousins, Louie, Mike, Ryan, and Gina Moy. People who I haven't seen in over a year came just to spend a little time with me. Simple gestures can mean everything sometimes. I really wish Krystn could have come but with all the chaos life has been throwing at her, I completely understand. I love you Krys and want you to know that you are the epitome of strength to me. I really hope we can see eachother soon. Overall, my party was good. People stayed til' late and we played some really fun drinking games. I got three bottle of X-Rated, my Panda DS game from Ray (weird), my Kirby game from Mike, some flowers from AJ, an external harddrive and some boots from my parents, and cash which went toward my new phone. Heh. It was a good night.

So here I am. Just finished catching up on my shows and thought I would catch up here too. Since I've turned 21 I've been to The Lodge, Groucho's, The Rail, and of course Bourbon. I had some 10 cent wings last night which was really good but they kind of screwed us over on the drinks. I also got to see an improv musical with Kris, Winnie, and Artis which was really funny. I plan on going the next time they play and I'm off. Since we've quit WoW, Kris and I have been doing a lot more and spending a lot more time together. He thought I was asleep last night in the car but I could kind of hear him talking and he was telling Artis that we was really glad we were doing more stuff together. I'm kind of sad for him that he left WoW, I hope he goes back in a less addictive way. Til' then we've both picked up Tamagotchi's and they are our new obsession. Maybe more wings tonight and hopefully things will start looking up for everyone. It's Christmas time. That snowy but loving time of the year. I can't believe time is moving so quickly. I wonder what will happen this year when the hands meet. Hopefully something good.

Penny for Your Thoughts

If only she knew that I have begun to comprehend her struggles.
Late on rent. Angry collectors. Knowing when its too costly to eat.
Trying to provide the best for those your love and barely scraping by to make it.
Sometimes not making it at all.
Selling your possessions just to keep as close to comfortable that you can.
When every dollar counts. When every fraction of a penny has meaning.
Because you hope that they can all come together to give one lasting something... anything.

I hate to see that you struggle like me.
Because you have always worked hard to keep what you have.
To have better. To provide better. At all costs.
Me, I'm just beginning. Entering the world stage left.
Still finding my control and my whims.
Pushing my limits and realizing what it means to break them.

But now as I grow older and I see things so similar to you, I really wish I could help you because you deserve it. When I left, I honestly felt that you were well off. New husband. New baby. New home. New life. Living downtown with a fridge of expensive chocolate.
I thought you wouldn't struggle like we did.
Like you did for me when I was little.
But here we are, turning point of an era.
Part of a generation where money is deteriorating by the second.
And I hate to see that you're still working so hard to keep it all together.

You never fail at making me feel at home.
You never fail at making my heart miss you.
Home cooked meals. Laughter only family can provide.
I know now that though we are so similar,
we insist on a difference to keep us apart.
But though our pockets are empty and our worrisome hearts are full,
I wish you knew that I see you and that I wish so many of the same wishes that you do.

And so the Lion fell in love with the Lamb

As we were leaving iHop my entire body was falling asleep. I had surrendered and figured we'd just catch the 10:45AM showing today. "So you really want to go tomorrow? Because well, we have tickets." And there they were. Auditorium 5, my lucky number, two tickets with my favorite boy. "Part one," he said. And knowing him and his immaculate way of finding money, it really was. So we went to the theatre and it was freezing. I lay my head on his shoulder and fall asleep til' the movie starts. I felt so bad but I was thoroughly exhausted. And then there is was. This movie that was supposed to give a visual tribute to my favorite book and man, do I have a mouth-full about that.

I felt that having the opportunity to make Twilight a movie was the perfect way to show non-readers exactly what they were missing. After watching the movie, I wanted them to walk out thinking, "So that was what all the hype was about." I wanted the intensity of Edward and Bella to embed itself into people. Their unconditional love and all that they fought for. The agony of hurting each-other and the unexplainable need to be together. The book was so captivating. Many times I felt parallel to Bella and her emotions and ached for a response and need like Edward's. Yet in the movie, it was like a picture show. Snapshot after snapshot of every scene in the book. Just 2D replicas of what I had read. There was no depth or weight. Everything moved so quickly that I felt it was impossible to relate to the characters. The movie did the book no justice. It was like a gothic Sundance interpretation. Kris surprisingly enjoyed it. He said the movie was like a gift to the readers because it showed bits and pieces of the book in actuality. He said that all that read the book were able to fill in all the gaps and spaces and that as a fan-boy/girl were supposed to take this opportunity to laugh at the shoddy interpretation. (sigh) I guess I understand what he means. That the movie never stood a chance at being epic like the novel. I really just wanted more. I didn't want short burst of emotionless scenes. It was as if the entire story happened over the course of a week. Like laying out the book in its simplest form. I was really disappointed.


Don't get me wrong. I really wanted to see this movie. I am so glad that I was able to see it first so that I knew what to expect with the media reaction. I am really glad I got be one of its first critics. The experience was great and overall I am so happy that I was there. Just aside from the experience and when asking about my review, there is another story.

Normal Time

Wash the laundry (two-three loads)
Clean the bedroom
Clean the computer/entertainment room
Shower
Find agenda (Memory-loss FTL)
Throw away the garbage
Be excited about Twilight @ midnight
Create avatar on new 36o Dashboard
Play Fable 2
E-mail Dr. Majer about Psych 201

A lot gets done when I am awake to function during normal hours.
I am definitely going to need a nap somewhere between school and work.
Can't risk being tired for the movies tonight. I am so excited.

I'll be back to write about it eventually.

EDiT (10:58 AM) -----------------------------------

I hate stupid people.
I give them direction. The idea. The substance.
They don't even do as much as reply when I contact them
Rawr.

Confront & Conquer

If I had to pinpoint my greatest fear, my greatest weakness, it has always come down to whether I was/am strong enough.
Strong enough to endure. To cope. To come through.
Strong enough for my mother. For my family. My friends. Myself.
Strength in relation to courage is almost impossible to come by.
Saying no. Doing the right thing. Going against what is superficial and doing what is needed.
Turning your back from flimsy excuses and embracing hardship without concern.
The only goal is to achieve. To better. To conquer.

It's almost as if I feel that I was incomplete form the start.
Watching him walk away.
Watching her fall apart.
Turning into her nightmare.
Her angst and her hatred.
Running to someone who ran away from me.
Turning into my own nightmare.
My own hatred and angst.
Falling into the epitome of weakness.
Letting it harbor itself in my soul.
Fully surrendering to an end.

And yet somehow here I am.

I guess no one is ever fool proof. We have our kinks and our dents and our scrapes.
Sometimes we feel like the entire world can see them. When we really can only see them on ourselves.
We victimize ourselves and lessen our worth when we should be strong enough to turn away.

No one needs a hero.
We only need ourselves.
I think many problems are solved when we realize that we are enough in our own right.
And then let the rest of the world fade away.

Prospects of Marriage and Love

He just fell asleep behind me. Turned off the video games and snuck quietly beside me.
Many of our nights are like this one. My thoughts dance to his more than welcoming snore.
Sometimes we get lucky and our schedules are in sync. But on nights like tonight I sit alone with myself as I contemplate our lives and our many vices. Venturing through what is now our home, I like to marvel at all that we have accomplished thus far.
There have been so many pieces and defining actions that have brought us to who we are now, together and apart.
All these jumbled into sporadic moments of ignorant and well deserved bliss. Creating an image of what we have become.

Sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for a single moment. One that will seal all of this into a circular ring of til' death do us part.
I wonder whether we missed that boat. The one that makes everyone want to jump. Standing on the edge and the emotions are so strong and vertical that no matter what move comes next, you are symmetrical in movement because it is too painful to do otherwise. That one jump the defies your fears of heights and may plummet you to a torturous death but every bone in your body just aches for you to let go and take that chance. When that chance is worth all the repercussions for this love that surpasses the rest of existence. Imagine bursting at the seams because you are unable to contain the immense spectrum of feelings this person gives you. They are breathing proof that you are alive.

And after the six years of proclaiming our feelings and throwing them away and immediately returning to them; I fear that instead of harboring our love. We let it slip through the tiniest of cracks. Not noticing the smallest of fractions escape until that moment and what we have to show is less than we had expected. When you take the sum and hold it out in the palm of your hands and the result is so much smaller than you had counted on.

Whatever is left has got to be enough.
What love is left.
What insanity is left.
What truth and drive and happiness is left.
All that remains has to be enough to push you to jump.
To allow you to fall,
in love and in life together.

And I as I watch him sleep. So peaceful and serene.
I smile because truth be told, I know that I jumped long ago.
And a day in white is not what defined my moment.

Hovel of a Home

Thoughts always come to me in the darkest of night or right before the break of dawn.

When the world is color's emptiest black and void of tangible light.

Like life dims to let my feelings and ideas project themselves on the paper white screen of my mind.

Just before the light begins to grace the skies with its presence.

And the plague of black transforms into a fleeting shadow.

It's almost as if my mind feels like it has only so much time left,

and rushes into the finale of all that was left untouched.

So here I sit,  in my twilyte abandon a place where my thoughts shall dwell...

...til' they one day embrace the light.