Mobile Diaries: Episode One

I tend to be one of those people who feels like the world drops signs for us mere mortals to interpret.

My favorite form of this game is thinking of you and turning on Pandora hoping something empowering will play.

This morning I got, Always Be My Baby, followed by, God Blessed the Broken Road, immediately followed by All My Life and now Wait For You plagues my ears.

I miss you.
The old you I suppose.

But my days are slowly getting better.
And to be honest, as grateful as I am for my better days, they also make a part of me sad.

Learning to live without you.
Living with ghost and memory you.
Who knew this was the plan?
Would you do it over if you knew?

I would.

Shoebox Sentiments

"The downtown lights were each like faded starlit memories. This city is soaked and dripping of everything we are... of everything I hoped to be and everything I've become."

Downtown Chicago.
Every time I go underneath that bridge my mind races to that first moment you took me there. Underage. Freshman. Young and vulnerable. Amazed. Like a sponge soaking it all in. Never would I have guessed how the two of you would change my life forever.

Two guys and a girl.
Both my heart and one became my world.

I have never let my mind fully wander into the world you remained in.
Never let my heart fully break. Never let my thoughts fully grasp.
We can both remember that one night I actually did.
The tears were unending. I couldn't breathe. Couldn't see.
Life stopped. My world was pitch black.
I almost want to ask if you know how terrifying that is...
... watching the one person you love the most leave you in a room full of darkness.
But I've done that to you.
How do you see past the solitary black?
How do you grasp what could really only be your imagination?
After such a crucial blow has been dealt, how do you recover?

When I think about the world we used to share, I almost breakdown into tears.

That was life to me. You were life to me.
But I ultimately feel like I failed you.
I thought I was loving you. I thought I was unconditional.
I thought I was supportive. Encouraging. Inspiring.

But if all I was... was clueless...
An endless nag who instead of helping was hurting...
Then I have to come to terms that I really didn't know how to love you.
And that thought in itself blows my mind.

If I could describe in words how much I thought I was giving to you...
... maybe you would understand how hopeless I feel to know I was only taking from you and hurting you. Just like you said that you didn't feel like you were enough... I am so disoriented by this knowledge that I don't even feel like I was anything. Like I am anything.

You've colored my world black and white.
And left only one way or another.
You're my purest memory.
My greatest heartache.
A part of my very being that will always remain.

What do I do?

"The downtown lights were each like faded starlit memories. This city is soaked and dripping of everything we are... of everything I hoped to be and everything I've become."

This city is You.

All I Have To Give

Funny how life runs itself in circles. Bringing the past into the future and making the present the past. I saw Sammy yesterday. It was the first time we had seen each-other on our terms for the entire 10 years of having one another in our lives. He was my technical first boyfriend at 12 years old and of course it didn't work out. We were kids. And after that drama came and went Sam became one of my closest friends. I'm the type who keeps the people I love in my life forever. I don't make lifelong friendships every day, but the ones I do, I try to keep. I love the comfort that comes with someone who has known you through every up and down and in-between. For a long time it was me with Krystn and Sammy and then when high school hit Jo comes into play and Gina. There was Winda for the short time we were friends and Trisha. When in Mascoutah I had Britni and Kahiwalani. Now Mike... and of course there has always been Kris. These are the pieces of my heart and soul. Though I may not talk to some of these people every day or even often and there is one who I am sure cannot stand the idea of me... these are the people who have impacted and altered my life forever.

So we finally got to see each-other and the first thing he does is give me the look. The one where he looks like he's staring at the greatest creation on earth and that he can't believe he survived so long without it. I wasn't honestly expecting it. But there it was. So we go and meet his closest friends. He shows me all his artwork and all the tiny bits and pieces of his life he feels he can fit into the short time we have together. We talk about our families, relationships, friends, hopes and heartaches. And then of course it had to come. The moment where the past collides head-on with the present. But I have no room for my past in my present. I probably spend more of my time avoiding my past then I do trying to relive it. And of course he tells me all the things every girl wants to hear. The sincerity and heart and then of course the sadness that followed when I had nothing to give in return. How is it that I have had this exact moment with so many guys I have become close friends with? And regardless of how amazing their efforts are... there is no one I want to come home to but Kris.


We've had so much childish drama in our past. We have hurt each-other. We hurt each-other now. We argue and fuss about the past and frivolous nothings and yet when it comes to the final moment, all I want is him. We have made our mistakes. And are still trying to make our way through a good number of them. But it takes a smack of reality for me to realize that no matter how much we go through... I refuse to leave this relationship until I am positive that there is nothing left. That we have no fighting will. That all of our time and effort was not put in vain.

Maybe I'm ignorant. Naive. Hopeless.

Wake up call Lauren... love has not its imperfections.