First Choice

Less than 3 hours until I'm officially 24 years old.

The summation of the last however many years?
My lessons learned. My lessons ignored. My lessons still to come.
The difference between what I want, deserve and need.

Who I am.
Who am I?

I remember seeing work as this absolute goal. Running. Leaping. Hurdling through loops and obstacles with one mission that would eventually help the bigger picture.

Store manager.
Financial aid.
BA with a specialty in Marketing and Sales.
SOC.
Job reference with years of experience.
Career.

It all made so much sense for such a long time.
And here I am Store Manager of North Riverside Mall.
Had a great day yesterday.
Made a bad choice today. Left early without checking for loopholes.
Thought I was handed some leeway from the GameStop Gods.
Wrong Answer.
I feel bad.

But alright - let's go with the, "Everyone Makes Mistakes" angle.
I am still pretty alone on the eve of my birthday.
Maybe by choice.
Preference.
Luck.

All I know is that I did figure out one thing.
My birthday resolution.

This year, I want to be someone's first choice.

Mobile Diaries: Episode One

I tend to be one of those people who feels like the world drops signs for us mere mortals to interpret.

My favorite form of this game is thinking of you and turning on Pandora hoping something empowering will play.

This morning I got, Always Be My Baby, followed by, God Blessed the Broken Road, immediately followed by All My Life and now Wait For You plagues my ears.

I miss you.
The old you I suppose.

But my days are slowly getting better.
And to be honest, as grateful as I am for my better days, they also make a part of me sad.

Learning to live without you.
Living with ghost and memory you.
Who knew this was the plan?
Would you do it over if you knew?

I would.

Shoebox Sentiments

"The downtown lights were each like faded starlit memories. This city is soaked and dripping of everything we are... of everything I hoped to be and everything I've become."

Downtown Chicago.
Every time I go underneath that bridge my mind races to that first moment you took me there. Underage. Freshman. Young and vulnerable. Amazed. Like a sponge soaking it all in. Never would I have guessed how the two of you would change my life forever.

Two guys and a girl.
Both my heart and one became my world.

I have never let my mind fully wander into the world you remained in.
Never let my heart fully break. Never let my thoughts fully grasp.
We can both remember that one night I actually did.
The tears were unending. I couldn't breathe. Couldn't see.
Life stopped. My world was pitch black.
I almost want to ask if you know how terrifying that is...
... watching the one person you love the most leave you in a room full of darkness.
But I've done that to you.
How do you see past the solitary black?
How do you grasp what could really only be your imagination?
After such a crucial blow has been dealt, how do you recover?

When I think about the world we used to share, I almost breakdown into tears.

That was life to me. You were life to me.
But I ultimately feel like I failed you.
I thought I was loving you. I thought I was unconditional.
I thought I was supportive. Encouraging. Inspiring.

But if all I was... was clueless...
An endless nag who instead of helping was hurting...
Then I have to come to terms that I really didn't know how to love you.
And that thought in itself blows my mind.

If I could describe in words how much I thought I was giving to you...
... maybe you would understand how hopeless I feel to know I was only taking from you and hurting you. Just like you said that you didn't feel like you were enough... I am so disoriented by this knowledge that I don't even feel like I was anything. Like I am anything.

You've colored my world black and white.
And left only one way or another.
You're my purest memory.
My greatest heartache.
A part of my very being that will always remain.

What do I do?

"The downtown lights were each like faded starlit memories. This city is soaked and dripping of everything we are... of everything I hoped to be and everything I've become."

This city is You.

Say What You Need to Say

ring ring.

Hello.

We only see each-other on our off times. You get up as I stay asleep. And when I fall asleep you still have hours left to go. You work. I work. My mom's. And somewhere in-between I feel like I've desensitized myself to you. Late the other night I realized that and felt really strongly on making that change. Somewhere in my head I thought that if I have been doing this to you - maybe things between us aren't as terrible as I think. I've just been so caught up somewhere else that I haven't been paying attention to what is really going on. Have you missed me? I can barely recall you wanting to lay together. Or you playing with my hair. So I decided to be vulnerable again. Ready to embrace you so that I would no longer take anything for granted or miss out on the slightest hints. But that last night. Quick. Brisk. Unattached. Then again today. No call in the morning and then telling me to stop getting my hopes up. Why is it that I was so convinced you'd ready to come straight here. You must've missed me. Come here and help me. Heh. Come here and just be with me. But all I got was a chill mockery to this newfound change I wanted to take place. Just because the immediate results were disappointing, it doesn't mean it will always be like this. That you will always be like this. Maybe your eyes need to be opened as well. I can't blame you for something you might not see. There were so many things I wanted to say to you. But in the end all there was was:

Good-bye.

All I Have To Give

Funny how life runs itself in circles. Bringing the past into the future and making the present the past. I saw Sammy yesterday. It was the first time we had seen each-other on our terms for the entire 10 years of having one another in our lives. He was my technical first boyfriend at 12 years old and of course it didn't work out. We were kids. And after that drama came and went Sam became one of my closest friends. I'm the type who keeps the people I love in my life forever. I don't make lifelong friendships every day, but the ones I do, I try to keep. I love the comfort that comes with someone who has known you through every up and down and in-between. For a long time it was me with Krystn and Sammy and then when high school hit Jo comes into play and Gina. There was Winda for the short time we were friends and Trisha. When in Mascoutah I had Britni and Kahiwalani. Now Mike... and of course there has always been Kris. These are the pieces of my heart and soul. Though I may not talk to some of these people every day or even often and there is one who I am sure cannot stand the idea of me... these are the people who have impacted and altered my life forever.

So we finally got to see each-other and the first thing he does is give me the look. The one where he looks like he's staring at the greatest creation on earth and that he can't believe he survived so long without it. I wasn't honestly expecting it. But there it was. So we go and meet his closest friends. He shows me all his artwork and all the tiny bits and pieces of his life he feels he can fit into the short time we have together. We talk about our families, relationships, friends, hopes and heartaches. And then of course it had to come. The moment where the past collides head-on with the present. But I have no room for my past in my present. I probably spend more of my time avoiding my past then I do trying to relive it. And of course he tells me all the things every girl wants to hear. The sincerity and heart and then of course the sadness that followed when I had nothing to give in return. How is it that I have had this exact moment with so many guys I have become close friends with? And regardless of how amazing their efforts are... there is no one I want to come home to but Kris.


We've had so much childish drama in our past. We have hurt each-other. We hurt each-other now. We argue and fuss about the past and frivolous nothings and yet when it comes to the final moment, all I want is him. We have made our mistakes. And are still trying to make our way through a good number of them. But it takes a smack of reality for me to realize that no matter how much we go through... I refuse to leave this relationship until I am positive that there is nothing left. That we have no fighting will. That all of our time and effort was not put in vain.

Maybe I'm ignorant. Naive. Hopeless.

Wake up call Lauren... love has not its imperfections.

Lee-Way Heart to Heart

Ever hear that humans are always their own toughest critic? I have come to notice that not only are we the hardest judges on ourselves but also on those we love the most. We push and we shove them into little moldings of what they should be to us instead of what they should or want to be for themselves. And in turn, they end up resenting us and we them for not being enough or for not understanding. It's a terrible game we play that only results in more pain and anger than was necessary. If we could all just take a few steps back, remove all of our personal prejudices and thoughts and really view a person for all they have to offer and want from life... if we take a moment to really see THEM versus see the person WE want from them... I think things would be so much different. We could honestly want the best for our lovers, our friends, our families... we would able to understand what we label their stupidities or their faults and take time to nurture their weakness and harbor their strengths. That's what helps a person grow. Not amplifying their mistakes or reminding them of how they haven't improved, we need to remember how hard some struggles are to get through and though it may be simple for you, they are not you... so try and give them that help and space they need to flourish in their own body. Why make them feel less than what they are? Challenge them in ways that make them happy to exceed their limits. Why make someone you love dread any part of themselves or their lives? If you truly love them, selflessly and unconditionally, then allow them to embrace their potential and be not a fiery wrath but a guiding light. And then maybe... you both will end up happier with each other.

Charlie

So we didn't get the miniature dachshund and to be honest, I'm really glad. We debated on getting a sugar glider but ended up getting Charlie our Australian Terrier. He's one and a half years old and is calm and amazingly obedient. He sits and stays and has the cutest little legs. We were going to rename his Bosley or Bosco but he responds to Charlie and we don't want him to become unresponsive to his training. Right now Kris and Charlie are sleeping next to me. Kris' head on my lap and Charlie right next to him. He's exactly what we were looking for in a dog, I wis Luna could have been this well behaved. I'm still curious how Kris is going to deal with his mother. He made this extravagant story and is convinced it'll work. I think he got me Charlie to pick me up from the rest of the stress in my life. Things with my mom are almost unimaginable. Kris and I had a really long talk about whether I would stay or go and now with her financial issues, there is no way I could move back home anyways. Thinking about it stresses me out. (sigh) I want to hold it off til' at least after the holidays. Then I'll tell my mom about me and Kris living together and all the dramam with school. I know she won't understand but I can't just move to Hoffman Estates, be away from school and my boyfriend, and my work, and my friends. I don't know there's just a lot going on and I'm only at the brink of it all. I'm just really glad that at least things are good at home with my two sleeping boys. Heh.

And so the Lion fell in love with the Lamb

As we were leaving iHop my entire body was falling asleep. I had surrendered and figured we'd just catch the 10:45AM showing today. "So you really want to go tomorrow? Because well, we have tickets." And there they were. Auditorium 5, my lucky number, two tickets with my favorite boy. "Part one," he said. And knowing him and his immaculate way of finding money, it really was. So we went to the theatre and it was freezing. I lay my head on his shoulder and fall asleep til' the movie starts. I felt so bad but I was thoroughly exhausted. And then there is was. This movie that was supposed to give a visual tribute to my favorite book and man, do I have a mouth-full about that.

I felt that having the opportunity to make Twilight a movie was the perfect way to show non-readers exactly what they were missing. After watching the movie, I wanted them to walk out thinking, "So that was what all the hype was about." I wanted the intensity of Edward and Bella to embed itself into people. Their unconditional love and all that they fought for. The agony of hurting each-other and the unexplainable need to be together. The book was so captivating. Many times I felt parallel to Bella and her emotions and ached for a response and need like Edward's. Yet in the movie, it was like a picture show. Snapshot after snapshot of every scene in the book. Just 2D replicas of what I had read. There was no depth or weight. Everything moved so quickly that I felt it was impossible to relate to the characters. The movie did the book no justice. It was like a gothic Sundance interpretation. Kris surprisingly enjoyed it. He said the movie was like a gift to the readers because it showed bits and pieces of the book in actuality. He said that all that read the book were able to fill in all the gaps and spaces and that as a fan-boy/girl were supposed to take this opportunity to laugh at the shoddy interpretation. (sigh) I guess I understand what he means. That the movie never stood a chance at being epic like the novel. I really just wanted more. I didn't want short burst of emotionless scenes. It was as if the entire story happened over the course of a week. Like laying out the book in its simplest form. I was really disappointed.


Don't get me wrong. I really wanted to see this movie. I am so glad that I was able to see it first so that I knew what to expect with the media reaction. I am really glad I got be one of its first critics. The experience was great and overall I am so happy that I was there. Just aside from the experience and when asking about my review, there is another story.

Prospects of Marriage and Love

He just fell asleep behind me. Turned off the video games and snuck quietly beside me.
Many of our nights are like this one. My thoughts dance to his more than welcoming snore.
Sometimes we get lucky and our schedules are in sync. But on nights like tonight I sit alone with myself as I contemplate our lives and our many vices. Venturing through what is now our home, I like to marvel at all that we have accomplished thus far.
There have been so many pieces and defining actions that have brought us to who we are now, together and apart.
All these jumbled into sporadic moments of ignorant and well deserved bliss. Creating an image of what we have become.

Sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for a single moment. One that will seal all of this into a circular ring of til' death do us part.
I wonder whether we missed that boat. The one that makes everyone want to jump. Standing on the edge and the emotions are so strong and vertical that no matter what move comes next, you are symmetrical in movement because it is too painful to do otherwise. That one jump the defies your fears of heights and may plummet you to a torturous death but every bone in your body just aches for you to let go and take that chance. When that chance is worth all the repercussions for this love that surpasses the rest of existence. Imagine bursting at the seams because you are unable to contain the immense spectrum of feelings this person gives you. They are breathing proof that you are alive.

And after the six years of proclaiming our feelings and throwing them away and immediately returning to them; I fear that instead of harboring our love. We let it slip through the tiniest of cracks. Not noticing the smallest of fractions escape until that moment and what we have to show is less than we had expected. When you take the sum and hold it out in the palm of your hands and the result is so much smaller than you had counted on.

Whatever is left has got to be enough.
What love is left.
What insanity is left.
What truth and drive and happiness is left.
All that remains has to be enough to push you to jump.
To allow you to fall,
in love and in life together.

And I as I watch him sleep. So peaceful and serene.
I smile because truth be told, I know that I jumped long ago.
And a day in white is not what defined my moment.