High Rise & Free Falling

Pitch black. Gray smoke filled every inch to the brim.
Blue bar of light. Shrinking and growing.
Almost able to hold it between my fingers but it playfully moved itself out of reach.
Time to go. Eyes closed. Body moving.
Hold on for the ride. Roller-coaster. Free spin.
Door to the bed in one flash of light.
Pants. Sweater. Change now.
Half of pants and not a button-down.
What the hell is going on?
Youtube. Glow-sticks.
Letters and numbers. What do they mean?
Every second a new symbol.
Did you see that? Japanese.
Paper cutout animals and people.
Faces and emotions.
Pulling me in like a puppet show. Like I'm there.
Laughter. Pants. Sweater.
Frustration. Laughter.
More videos. On the bed.
And suddenly we're falling.
The bed is a wall and the wall is the sky.
Hold on! Oh my God.
We're falling. Stop laughing.
Can't you feel the pressure and the weight pushing downward on your skin?
It tingles. How do we stop? The bed. I'm falling off the bed.
What will I hold on to?
You tell me to move. I'm like lightning.
And you say, "What? What happened?"
Falling. After the falling came the swirling.
Down. Down. Down.
Down a black spiral drain.
My entire body swaying to the suction.
Pulling me in. My legs are shrinking.
"What? What's happening?"
Falling. Swirling. My neck!
Oh how my neck hurts.
Please go and get me some ibuprofen.
"Tell me what's going on."
Stop playing with me. I just told you.
The falling. The drain.
And at the end of the falling you were supposed to embrace me.
Arms open wide. Catch me. Hold me.
But you just stared at me. "Huh?"
Hold me! Please! Remember the falling?
Who is going to catch me?
Arms open. You stared at my open arms.
No closer did you come. Rejection.
"What's going on? You're freaking me out."
This story again. Just listen.
I keep telling you and telling you.
The falling. The drain. The embrace.
Rejection. Blank stares. More questions.
Lay with me. Please. I am so confused.
My neck is so painful. Please help me.
I need my ibuprofen.
Silence.
Phone calls. I think in my head about who I want to call. But after a few minutes...
...I am unable to determine whether I actually called them or not.
Like my thoughts became reality. Or did they?
Did I just imagine their voices? Their faces? Their tones?
I constantly am running images through my head.
Situations and their many pathways.
But I can tell which is real and which is fake.
Unless I'm dreaming.
PAUSE.
Looking at you. You are now so far away.
Please come closer and lay with me.
"You're freaking me out. What is going on?"
The same damn fucking questions.
I just need you to listen. Listen to me.
Listen to my story. Stop looking at me like I'm stupid.
Stop playing with my emotions.
My neck is hurting so badly. Please come closer.
Bring me my ibuprofen. I know it's far but I don't think I can walk.
Why do you want me to tell you the story again?
They all said they would get me ibuprofen. He said he would get me ibuprofen.
They want my pain to cease. You... you are just staring at me.
My tears are falling. So rejected. The pain is too much.
You're not listening to me. You never listen.
Did I just yell at you? I'm so sorry.
Was I yelling? "Huh?"
I'm sorry if I was yelling. It was just that we were falling.
Spiraling. Moving. Then you didn't do what you were supposed to.
You were supposed to catch me mid-air in an embrace.
Then when we were laying you were supposed to kiss me.
Even a short friendly kiss.
But there was nothing. You just stared at me.
And I curled into a ball of confusion.
Then more questions.
More and more and more questions.
I'm not talking to you anymore.
I'm sorry.
I know what you're doing.
Laughing at me.
Taking advantage of me like this.
I don't know what is going on an instead of guiding me.
Loving me. Being there for me.
You are making me into a joke.
Ha. Ha. Ha.
What a funny guy.
I just wanted you to play your part in the ending.
And now all I can remember is your blank stare.
Your stupid questions. How you egged on this insanity.
Ibuprofen? Now. Okay.
Let me lay here.
Doors. Open. Close. Maybe he can't find it.
Same door. Open. Close. Crinkle.
A wrapper? Food. I'm hungry.
Getting up at the door. You run to block my way.
Jerk. You lied. You didn't look for my ibuprofen.
You said you were going to and thought I would sleep.
Thought I would forget. Thought I was making up my need for it.
I'm heating up my delicious food and you are stuck eating candy.
That's what you get. No sharing. You left me.
And now you want to share with me?
I know you're hungry. Ok. Fine. Share.
Stop trying to trick me. To get me not to eat so you can have it all.
What is wrong with you? I am so angry with you.
For playing so many games. And not coming through.
For laughing at me when I was/am vulnerable.
For acting clueless when in reality you knew exactly what was going on.
A puppeteer and his toy.
We used to call you Toy Maker. And I felt bad for calling you "Toy."
But now I see that in reality you made me into a toy.
Stringing me along. Poor little puppet.
Stupid little puppet. Ignorant little toy.
How I slept I can't recall.
I just remember being in the bed. And hearing you watch movies on my laptop.
I looked over to you and expected a nurturing caring gaze.
But instead I saw more emptiness. More of the same.
"I didn't expect you to be sober."
"Are you sober?"
Of course I'm sober. Not really.
Just not talking to you.
Back to bed.
Back to my dreams.
Back to my delusional reality.
Darkness.
It all started in darkness with that blue bar.