Back to Where Your Heart Is

"Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth."

Oh how they hang from her. Hypnotized by her scrutinizingly innocent eyes.
Weave me my ideal they beg. Show me what I want to see.
Be who I cannot find and I shall worship, I shall inhale your very existence.
Like the final flame of humanity, they cradle and protect her from the elements.
My own. My love. My secret. My wonder.
Possession to its fullest extent and this muse imprisons herself.

Who created thee? Who breathed you into life my ladylove?
What entity... what artist... sculpted this most perfect beauty?
And as they raise the pedestal higher and higher still,
eyes wide open they fail to see.

A metamorphic ghost. A shell missing its core.
Life simply without breath. Without organs.
And blood. And flesh.
She is but an ever-changing wisp of hollowed time.

And through triumphant failures will they climb.
Proclamation and creed their only just cause.
Stitching ever so carefully a blanket of conformity that will devour her.

Come one, come all to attempt this feat and jest in masked glory.
But be weary for the fates are against you.
For the winds will unravel her. And the waters will cleanse her.
The sun will warm and awaken her beating heart.
The earth will take her from your pedestal and lay her gently upon its surface,
and you will finally see...
... who I am. Who I was. Who I will be.
And only then will your love be free.

High Rise & Free Falling

Pitch black. Gray smoke filled every inch to the brim.
Blue bar of light. Shrinking and growing.
Almost able to hold it between my fingers but it playfully moved itself out of reach.
Time to go. Eyes closed. Body moving.
Hold on for the ride. Roller-coaster. Free spin.
Door to the bed in one flash of light.
Pants. Sweater. Change now.
Half of pants and not a button-down.
What the hell is going on?
Youtube. Glow-sticks.
Letters and numbers. What do they mean?
Every second a new symbol.
Did you see that? Japanese.
Paper cutout animals and people.
Faces and emotions.
Pulling me in like a puppet show. Like I'm there.
Laughter. Pants. Sweater.
Frustration. Laughter.
More videos. On the bed.
And suddenly we're falling.
The bed is a wall and the wall is the sky.
Hold on! Oh my God.
We're falling. Stop laughing.
Can't you feel the pressure and the weight pushing downward on your skin?
It tingles. How do we stop? The bed. I'm falling off the bed.
What will I hold on to?
You tell me to move. I'm like lightning.
And you say, "What? What happened?"
Falling. After the falling came the swirling.
Down. Down. Down.
Down a black spiral drain.
My entire body swaying to the suction.
Pulling me in. My legs are shrinking.
"What? What's happening?"
Falling. Swirling. My neck!
Oh how my neck hurts.
Please go and get me some ibuprofen.
"Tell me what's going on."
Stop playing with me. I just told you.
The falling. The drain.
And at the end of the falling you were supposed to embrace me.
Arms open wide. Catch me. Hold me.
But you just stared at me. "Huh?"
Hold me! Please! Remember the falling?
Who is going to catch me?
Arms open. You stared at my open arms.
No closer did you come. Rejection.
"What's going on? You're freaking me out."
This story again. Just listen.
I keep telling you and telling you.
The falling. The drain. The embrace.
Rejection. Blank stares. More questions.
Lay with me. Please. I am so confused.
My neck is so painful. Please help me.
I need my ibuprofen.
Silence.
Phone calls. I think in my head about who I want to call. But after a few minutes...
...I am unable to determine whether I actually called them or not.
Like my thoughts became reality. Or did they?
Did I just imagine their voices? Their faces? Their tones?
I constantly am running images through my head.
Situations and their many pathways.
But I can tell which is real and which is fake.
Unless I'm dreaming.
PAUSE.
Looking at you. You are now so far away.
Please come closer and lay with me.
"You're freaking me out. What is going on?"
The same damn fucking questions.
I just need you to listen. Listen to me.
Listen to my story. Stop looking at me like I'm stupid.
Stop playing with my emotions.
My neck is hurting so badly. Please come closer.
Bring me my ibuprofen. I know it's far but I don't think I can walk.
Why do you want me to tell you the story again?
They all said they would get me ibuprofen. He said he would get me ibuprofen.
They want my pain to cease. You... you are just staring at me.
My tears are falling. So rejected. The pain is too much.
You're not listening to me. You never listen.
Did I just yell at you? I'm so sorry.
Was I yelling? "Huh?"
I'm sorry if I was yelling. It was just that we were falling.
Spiraling. Moving. Then you didn't do what you were supposed to.
You were supposed to catch me mid-air in an embrace.
Then when we were laying you were supposed to kiss me.
Even a short friendly kiss.
But there was nothing. You just stared at me.
And I curled into a ball of confusion.
Then more questions.
More and more and more questions.
I'm not talking to you anymore.
I'm sorry.
I know what you're doing.
Laughing at me.
Taking advantage of me like this.
I don't know what is going on an instead of guiding me.
Loving me. Being there for me.
You are making me into a joke.
Ha. Ha. Ha.
What a funny guy.
I just wanted you to play your part in the ending.
And now all I can remember is your blank stare.
Your stupid questions. How you egged on this insanity.
Ibuprofen? Now. Okay.
Let me lay here.
Doors. Open. Close. Maybe he can't find it.
Same door. Open. Close. Crinkle.
A wrapper? Food. I'm hungry.
Getting up at the door. You run to block my way.
Jerk. You lied. You didn't look for my ibuprofen.
You said you were going to and thought I would sleep.
Thought I would forget. Thought I was making up my need for it.
I'm heating up my delicious food and you are stuck eating candy.
That's what you get. No sharing. You left me.
And now you want to share with me?
I know you're hungry. Ok. Fine. Share.
Stop trying to trick me. To get me not to eat so you can have it all.
What is wrong with you? I am so angry with you.
For playing so many games. And not coming through.
For laughing at me when I was/am vulnerable.
For acting clueless when in reality you knew exactly what was going on.
A puppeteer and his toy.
We used to call you Toy Maker. And I felt bad for calling you "Toy."
But now I see that in reality you made me into a toy.
Stringing me along. Poor little puppet.
Stupid little puppet. Ignorant little toy.
How I slept I can't recall.
I just remember being in the bed. And hearing you watch movies on my laptop.
I looked over to you and expected a nurturing caring gaze.
But instead I saw more emptiness. More of the same.
"I didn't expect you to be sober."
"Are you sober?"
Of course I'm sober. Not really.
Just not talking to you.
Back to bed.
Back to my dreams.
Back to my delusional reality.
Darkness.
It all started in darkness with that blue bar.

Who I've Been Hates Who I've Become

(sigh) I want to write this and I honestly don't want to come off narcissistic but this my blog so here we go.

Ever since my junior year I feel like I waver the line of having my confidence and completely forgetting I was born with it. Heh. I am a confident girl. I love to be outgoing and fun and flirty. I find comfort in being homely. I am not bitchy. I find it most rewarding to be polite and honest with people. I have morals and expectations. I want thrill and safety. But who have I been? Quiet. Insecure. Sheesh I gained weight! I feel ugly some days. I feel ashamed and I get angry and the anger evolves into frustration and it ends with me just wanting it to be natural. I can remember days I wake loving light and air and life and appreciating the pain and the stress but relishing in the outcome. I want that back. I want the me I know I AM. Not just the potential. Not just the thought. I want the reality.

It might be ignorant of me but I hate to think that I have met people these past years who think I am less than what I know. That I've been second guessed and doubted. That I've been looked over and ignored. Not by just anyone, but by people who I feel should value what I have to offer. Maybe that's ignorant and naive. No one has to value me and I shouldn't need to be valued. But I really feel like the people who care about you should value me. Note to self: not everyone cares about you. lol.

I don't know. I wish I felt like someone could see me. Wish he could see more than anyone. Ah! Why does this matter to me so much?! Rawr,

Work party tonight at Durbin's. I'm excited. Maybe I'll let my colors shine a little. I know there are people there who think they get me but I'm an iceberg hun. You just got the surfaced part and I've got plenty more to share.

Nerd.

The Wretched Truth

So I've basically been avoiding this moment for the last year and a half. And there it is waiting for me on my doorstep. I hadn't been worrying about my mom changing jobs since I found out that she was directly affiliated to UIC. But now that we have new insurance, I need proof of full-time schooling.Shoot me now. So not only will she find out that I'm not at UIC but if she pays attention to the address she'll notice that I am no longer living at my old address. And of course this all had to happen right before the holidays. Funny how we always think we're doing things for the better and when the finally come out they really were all for the worst regardless. Hi Mom, just wanted to tell you that I'm not at UIC this semester. I wasn't full-time because I dropped Chemistry. And well, Kris and I live together. Surprise! Merry Christmas! (sigh) She's going to freak out and tell everyone so at Christmas they can all freak out at me. Then Kris is not going to want to spend Christmas with us. And then her and Rob will want me back home. Oh man... maybe I can just tell her that I am really trying to figure out my life on my own. That I haven't done the best job but that I'm still trying and will find my place eventually. It's going to crush her no matter how I say it and in turn will devastate me. Given that I've tried to tell her many times and she's been having so many other problems. I just wanted to figure out myself. And now here I am about to let it all spill all over the floor. I don't know. She's going to kill me. And then I don't know what comes next. There is no way for me to win this round. I'm going to have a heart-attack. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. Maybe they'll let me be. Maybe they'll be upset and then I'll finally have a clear slate and all this stress and worry will be gone because there won't be anymore lies. Honestly, I just want my mom to know the truth. I don't need anyone else to know. Knowing her, she'll tell them. But if I could just tell my mom. Let her know that my life hasn't been as easy I've played it out to be. Let her know how hard it's been and how I get a good amount of what she's going through. I don't know. Maybe she'll see how much we love eachother. That we've made everything work well so far. Maybe she'll see anything... something... I am going to lose my mind before the night is through. I don't even know how to start.