Say What You Need to Say

ring ring.

Hello.

We only see each-other on our off times. You get up as I stay asleep. And when I fall asleep you still have hours left to go. You work. I work. My mom's. And somewhere in-between I feel like I've desensitized myself to you. Late the other night I realized that and felt really strongly on making that change. Somewhere in my head I thought that if I have been doing this to you - maybe things between us aren't as terrible as I think. I've just been so caught up somewhere else that I haven't been paying attention to what is really going on. Have you missed me? I can barely recall you wanting to lay together. Or you playing with my hair. So I decided to be vulnerable again. Ready to embrace you so that I would no longer take anything for granted or miss out on the slightest hints. But that last night. Quick. Brisk. Unattached. Then again today. No call in the morning and then telling me to stop getting my hopes up. Why is it that I was so convinced you'd ready to come straight here. You must've missed me. Come here and help me. Heh. Come here and just be with me. But all I got was a chill mockery to this newfound change I wanted to take place. Just because the immediate results were disappointing, it doesn't mean it will always be like this. That you will always be like this. Maybe your eyes need to be opened as well. I can't blame you for something you might not see. There were so many things I wanted to say to you. But in the end all there was was:

Good-bye.

Prospects of Marriage and Love

He just fell asleep behind me. Turned off the video games and snuck quietly beside me.
Many of our nights are like this one. My thoughts dance to his more than welcoming snore.
Sometimes we get lucky and our schedules are in sync. But on nights like tonight I sit alone with myself as I contemplate our lives and our many vices. Venturing through what is now our home, I like to marvel at all that we have accomplished thus far.
There have been so many pieces and defining actions that have brought us to who we are now, together and apart.
All these jumbled into sporadic moments of ignorant and well deserved bliss. Creating an image of what we have become.

Sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for a single moment. One that will seal all of this into a circular ring of til' death do us part.
I wonder whether we missed that boat. The one that makes everyone want to jump. Standing on the edge and the emotions are so strong and vertical that no matter what move comes next, you are symmetrical in movement because it is too painful to do otherwise. That one jump the defies your fears of heights and may plummet you to a torturous death but every bone in your body just aches for you to let go and take that chance. When that chance is worth all the repercussions for this love that surpasses the rest of existence. Imagine bursting at the seams because you are unable to contain the immense spectrum of feelings this person gives you. They are breathing proof that you are alive.

And after the six years of proclaiming our feelings and throwing them away and immediately returning to them; I fear that instead of harboring our love. We let it slip through the tiniest of cracks. Not noticing the smallest of fractions escape until that moment and what we have to show is less than we had expected. When you take the sum and hold it out in the palm of your hands and the result is so much smaller than you had counted on.

Whatever is left has got to be enough.
What love is left.
What insanity is left.
What truth and drive and happiness is left.
All that remains has to be enough to push you to jump.
To allow you to fall,
in love and in life together.

And I as I watch him sleep. So peaceful and serene.
I smile because truth be told, I know that I jumped long ago.
And a day in white is not what defined my moment.