All I Have To Give

Funny how life runs itself in circles. Bringing the past into the future and making the present the past. I saw Sammy yesterday. It was the first time we had seen each-other on our terms for the entire 10 years of having one another in our lives. He was my technical first boyfriend at 12 years old and of course it didn't work out. We were kids. And after that drama came and went Sam became one of my closest friends. I'm the type who keeps the people I love in my life forever. I don't make lifelong friendships every day, but the ones I do, I try to keep. I love the comfort that comes with someone who has known you through every up and down and in-between. For a long time it was me with Krystn and Sammy and then when high school hit Jo comes into play and Gina. There was Winda for the short time we were friends and Trisha. When in Mascoutah I had Britni and Kahiwalani. Now Mike... and of course there has always been Kris. These are the pieces of my heart and soul. Though I may not talk to some of these people every day or even often and there is one who I am sure cannot stand the idea of me... these are the people who have impacted and altered my life forever.

So we finally got to see each-other and the first thing he does is give me the look. The one where he looks like he's staring at the greatest creation on earth and that he can't believe he survived so long without it. I wasn't honestly expecting it. But there it was. So we go and meet his closest friends. He shows me all his artwork and all the tiny bits and pieces of his life he feels he can fit into the short time we have together. We talk about our families, relationships, friends, hopes and heartaches. And then of course it had to come. The moment where the past collides head-on with the present. But I have no room for my past in my present. I probably spend more of my time avoiding my past then I do trying to relive it. And of course he tells me all the things every girl wants to hear. The sincerity and heart and then of course the sadness that followed when I had nothing to give in return. How is it that I have had this exact moment with so many guys I have become close friends with? And regardless of how amazing their efforts are... there is no one I want to come home to but Kris.


We've had so much childish drama in our past. We have hurt each-other. We hurt each-other now. We argue and fuss about the past and frivolous nothings and yet when it comes to the final moment, all I want is him. We have made our mistakes. And are still trying to make our way through a good number of them. But it takes a smack of reality for me to realize that no matter how much we go through... I refuse to leave this relationship until I am positive that there is nothing left. That we have no fighting will. That all of our time and effort was not put in vain.

Maybe I'm ignorant. Naive. Hopeless.

Wake up call Lauren... love has not its imperfections.

Too Close for Comfort

I hate feeling like nothing is changing. There are no differences for the better. Sometimes I glimpse hope and then it disappears into the air again. I am so frustrated. I am so confused on whether I am right or wrong and the whole situation is retarded. I know that I'm not perfect. I know that more often than not, I am mistaken but I've never been ashamed to admit it. I just feel like if you get it, you get it. The situation isn't touchy for you so why in hell's name are you offended? Okay, you're agitated. You're offended. But at the end of the day you feel justified and at the end of every day I feel like I got the short end of the stick. I feel gipped. I feel like I am AGAIN dealing with a situation where I got screwed over and you walked away clean. Oh, but I insulted you? Insulted what?! You don't care! You would do it again. So who cares if I slightly burnt your ego or your pride? In comparison, my pride was laughed at and pointed at and degraded and forgotten. How much emotionally did you have to deal with in your decision? If you'd repeat it, apprently not a lot. I'm sure I explained the hell I went through in specific to you. I went through hell. And you would do it again. Who is supposed to bend here? Am I supposed to just get over it and forget it and drop it and leave it. But it was special. Crucial. One of those things that can only happen once. And I get that for you, it was no where near that but does that make it okay for you to scoff at what it was for me? You get it but you don't understand what I refuse to be "okay" with it. I was sixteen when you asked me to marry you. It was the first diamond ring I had ever gotten and I stared at it every day I was away to remind me of you. And even though we broke up, do you remember what happened? Do you remember how you called me because you wanted it back? That would have been okay if you just wanted it back. But no, you called me and told me you wanted it back to specifically give it back to her. I don't remember much. But I do remember how I put that ring on the only gold chain I had, and how I STILL wore it even after we had started dating other people. How I CRIED. How BETRAYED. How AWFUL the whole thing just was. How people contacted me about it just to ask if it was really TRUE that you DID that to ME. And asked how could you have really MEANT it if you were so ready to just give it away again? Don't you see?

Fine. It was your ring. Your family. Your right to give it to whoever you want.

But it was my one ring. My only ring. I took that engagement promise with it to heart. That ring was the embodiment of our entire relationship. And did I ever tell you how Gina had to hold my hand the first time I saw her wearing the ring? How I almost fell apart in an instant because someone else was wearing a ring that meant the entire world to me? Don't you get it? How awful did you feel when you gave it away? How bad did you feel whenever you held her hand and she was wearing it? Did it tear you in places you can't even describe? Did it haunt you? And mock? And did you have to fight not only your friends, but yourself to prove that that ring was really just a stupid ring with no real attachment?

That ring was and still is something that reminds of how raw and vulnerable and how stupid I was or still am. Just like how when people tell you that she used you and took what she wanted and left you behind BURNS you and forever suffocates whatever pride you have gathered since. It's the same for me. You don't even know where it is anymore. It was just another ring to you. And it was SO SO SO important to me in ways you will NEVER understand because you are naturally unattached and disassociated with EVERYTHING. Think of how different we are on these terms and just TRY to BEGIN to understand because you will NEVER fully get it. You will never REALLY feel the plethora of emotions that surge me. The anger. The distrust. The saddness. The pain. The JOY. The EXCITEMENT. The LOVE. All the good and the bad that come and go in its smallest mention. I just want you to get it. With every bone in my being, I wish you lived 5 minutes with my tired heart and worn soul. Just 5 minutes to feel it. I'd love to see how you'd react.

Ultimately, it just breaks my heart again. Every time I remember my heart breaks a little in its memory. And if that makes me dramatic or irrational or ignorant or wrong, then so be it. You will never understand.

Over It

Funny how if we have to say we're over something, we're really not. We spend so much time trying to prove to everyone else when it's ourselves that we can't seem to prove it to. Why can't we just walk away? Eyes open. Eyes closed. Leave it at the door and lift the burdens of our hearts. Yet we choose to torture ourselves. Reminding ourselves of the past. Opening scars and making them fresh again. Why won't we just let ourselves heal?

Is it really that terrifying to let it all fall away? To be fresh and open to new wounds? Is it safer to stay damaged?

Living through it.
Getting over it.
Being happy.

Blah. More thoughts for later.