Who I've Been Hates Who I've Become

(sigh) I want to write this and I honestly don't want to come off narcissistic but this my blog so here we go.

Ever since my junior year I feel like I waver the line of having my confidence and completely forgetting I was born with it. Heh. I am a confident girl. I love to be outgoing and fun and flirty. I find comfort in being homely. I am not bitchy. I find it most rewarding to be polite and honest with people. I have morals and expectations. I want thrill and safety. But who have I been? Quiet. Insecure. Sheesh I gained weight! I feel ugly some days. I feel ashamed and I get angry and the anger evolves into frustration and it ends with me just wanting it to be natural. I can remember days I wake loving light and air and life and appreciating the pain and the stress but relishing in the outcome. I want that back. I want the me I know I AM. Not just the potential. Not just the thought. I want the reality.

It might be ignorant of me but I hate to think that I have met people these past years who think I am less than what I know. That I've been second guessed and doubted. That I've been looked over and ignored. Not by just anyone, but by people who I feel should value what I have to offer. Maybe that's ignorant and naive. No one has to value me and I shouldn't need to be valued. But I really feel like the people who care about you should value me. Note to self: not everyone cares about you. lol.

I don't know. I wish I felt like someone could see me. Wish he could see more than anyone. Ah! Why does this matter to me so much?! Rawr,

Work party tonight at Durbin's. I'm excited. Maybe I'll let my colors shine a little. I know there are people there who think they get me but I'm an iceberg hun. You just got the surfaced part and I've got plenty more to share.

Nerd.

Confront & Conquer

If I had to pinpoint my greatest fear, my greatest weakness, it has always come down to whether I was/am strong enough.
Strong enough to endure. To cope. To come through.
Strong enough for my mother. For my family. My friends. Myself.
Strength in relation to courage is almost impossible to come by.
Saying no. Doing the right thing. Going against what is superficial and doing what is needed.
Turning your back from flimsy excuses and embracing hardship without concern.
The only goal is to achieve. To better. To conquer.

It's almost as if I feel that I was incomplete form the start.
Watching him walk away.
Watching her fall apart.
Turning into her nightmare.
Her angst and her hatred.
Running to someone who ran away from me.
Turning into my own nightmare.
My own hatred and angst.
Falling into the epitome of weakness.
Letting it harbor itself in my soul.
Fully surrendering to an end.

And yet somehow here I am.

I guess no one is ever fool proof. We have our kinks and our dents and our scrapes.
Sometimes we feel like the entire world can see them. When we really can only see them on ourselves.
We victimize ourselves and lessen our worth when we should be strong enough to turn away.

No one needs a hero.
We only need ourselves.
I think many problems are solved when we realize that we are enough in our own right.
And then let the rest of the world fade away.