First Choice

Less than 3 hours until I'm officially 24 years old.

The summation of the last however many years?
My lessons learned. My lessons ignored. My lessons still to come.
The difference between what I want, deserve and need.

Who I am.
Who am I?

I remember seeing work as this absolute goal. Running. Leaping. Hurdling through loops and obstacles with one mission that would eventually help the bigger picture.

Store manager.
Financial aid.
BA with a specialty in Marketing and Sales.
SOC.
Job reference with years of experience.
Career.

It all made so much sense for such a long time.
And here I am Store Manager of North Riverside Mall.
Had a great day yesterday.
Made a bad choice today. Left early without checking for loopholes.
Thought I was handed some leeway from the GameStop Gods.
Wrong Answer.
I feel bad.

But alright - let's go with the, "Everyone Makes Mistakes" angle.
I am still pretty alone on the eve of my birthday.
Maybe by choice.
Preference.
Luck.

All I know is that I did figure out one thing.
My birthday resolution.

This year, I want to be someone's first choice.

Somewhere Only We Know

I can't believe that it's been almost the entire month and I have yet to update. Minus the fact that the internet was out for a while, life has only gotten busier for me and it is actually pretty surprising for me because this was supposed to be me "down-time" since I'm not in school. So here I am sitting at my mom's house fighting back my many flooded thoughts when I realized I had this... my twilyte abandon... to turn to.

In an attempt to go from the least complicated to the most, everything with my family is basically the same. My living situation still remains unknown. How? I haven't the slightest clue. With the whole tax return nonsense I was almost positive everything was going to come crashing down but here I am. In one piece and still doing my best to get by. Watching my sister is getting easier though I find that my patience is only lessening. I try to be nice and fun but I find that I am mostly exhausted and agitated every time she bites or hits me. What she really needs is some friends her own age to teach her the proper etiquette on what is acceptable and what is not. Us penalizing her and putting her into time-out isn't cutting it. But I guess she'll learn eventually. I really hope things take a turn for the better for my parents. I hate to know they're struggling. I hate to feel sometimes that they may be struggling when I am not. I don't know... just a lot of thoughts. And I still haven't really spoken to my dad. My grandfather's brother passed away. He's going to the Philippines while my grandmother is going to Mascoutah. I can't even imagine them being apart. (sigh)

Work is well... I am officially a permanent employee at a new store. It's located in Cicero and the customers are insane. Heh. The store is just not as organized as I'm used to and Israel is doing everything in his power to change it, but I guess we're feeling the resistance from within. The new guys I work with are cool. They're just used to doing things their own way and here we come waltzing in to turn their mindsets upside down. I get it. I understand them. I just wish they didn't judge me so quickly. I wish they gave me that breathing room. That welcome. I'm so used to be so comfortable at work and now I'm being put in a warzone and honestly, I think it's only for the best. I can only learn from it. I just really want to get promoted already. People are taking their time and words are meaning less and less to me. And with Kris promoted and all amazing at being third-key I don't know what I want anymore. I know I can do it. I just don't want this stupid wavering confidence to get in the way.

Socially I have entered a new front completely. I have now become a proud member of the Chicago club scene. I get in for free. I get free drinks. I love the loud music. I get to dance like an idiot. People even take my picture sometimes. It's weird. Never thought I'd like it... but I think I'm just getting caught in wanting to experience it all. I finally realized that I have just this one life to live so I am going to see what I can and do what I can before I can't anymore. I've been drinking a lot lately too. That one needs to stop. I have been kind of frivolous with my money in that way but am progressively getting better. I think this is part of the growing process. This freedom I want to experience. The carefree. The restless. The energy. Heh. Maybe I'm just getting started.

Chach... my dearest ChachMo... what oh what are we doing? Heh. Now that he's getting into the club scene too I feel the need to give him his own alloted space. It's kind of like we only get so much time to dance with whoever and be whoever and do whatever and I want him to be able to feel that rush of freedom and excitement too. I hate to think how independent we are from one another now. Maybe not financially and we do honestly still function well together in our home I just feel like emotionally we're straying. Like we're drifting from one another. We just don't have to the time together. The energy to put the effort. Like we want it all to be there whenever we want to just call on it... but I don't know if we even do that anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love him to death. I want happiness for him and I want to make sure he eats and sleeps well and has a good day... but things are changing right in front of us and we really need to decide how we're going to deal with this change before it takes control of us and next thing we know, we're strangers.

That's the gist of it. A quick polaroid of my life right now. Oh... I'm also on a stupid antibiotic for the swollen lymph nodes in my neck. They aren't swollen or hurting me anymore but I have over a week of medication left. Yay! I have to take it 4 times a day. It's craziness. If I'm not healed after all this there may be something wrong with my thyroid. We'll see. I'll be back. But now it's definitely time for sleep. Good night.

Lee-Way Heart to Heart

Ever hear that humans are always their own toughest critic? I have come to notice that not only are we the hardest judges on ourselves but also on those we love the most. We push and we shove them into little moldings of what they should be to us instead of what they should or want to be for themselves. And in turn, they end up resenting us and we them for not being enough or for not understanding. It's a terrible game we play that only results in more pain and anger than was necessary. If we could all just take a few steps back, remove all of our personal prejudices and thoughts and really view a person for all they have to offer and want from life... if we take a moment to really see THEM versus see the person WE want from them... I think things would be so much different. We could honestly want the best for our lovers, our friends, our families... we would able to understand what we label their stupidities or their faults and take time to nurture their weakness and harbor their strengths. That's what helps a person grow. Not amplifying their mistakes or reminding them of how they haven't improved, we need to remember how hard some struggles are to get through and though it may be simple for you, they are not you... so try and give them that help and space they need to flourish in their own body. Why make them feel less than what they are? Challenge them in ways that make them happy to exceed their limits. Why make someone you love dread any part of themselves or their lives? If you truly love them, selflessly and unconditionally, then allow them to embrace their potential and be not a fiery wrath but a guiding light. And then maybe... you both will end up happier with each other.

Fire Starter

Life is fleeting.
Death coming closer every second that passes.
And yet here we are dancing our little dance around the fires of endless worries.
Not stopping to awe at its glorious light.
Instead seeing the char and the fumes and the destruction.
Instead of the warmth and birth of commune to our lonely souls.
We spend so much time fretting.
Trying to please the shadows.
We forget that they possess none but darkness.
You cannot control whether the darkness will come to the light.
Whether a shadow will come forward, on its own, to embrace the embers of a human heart.
So faint at the get go but as it is fed it can become a powerful force.

We can only control ourselves in this life.
We have but only one match.
One flame. One fire.
We should choose to burn so bright that those in the dark yearn to join us.
Be so brave. So courageous. So triumphant through our downfalls.
That those who have nothing left but an empty silhouette.
Are forced to see that they are so much more.
That there is so much more.
And that the more is not impossible to reach.

There will always be an opposer.
There will always be obstacles.
There will always be devastation.
There will always be abandon.

Be the difference.
The change.
The light.

Be not afraid of your own fiery greatness.
And help those around you embrace their own.

The light of a fire can either warm or destroy.
The choice is always your own.

Leave Out All The Rest

Oh how terrifying blank slates can be. I haven't written in a while and I'm glad at least a lot has happened in its place. Thanksgiving came and went in the blink of an eye. Lucky for me, this year Thanksgiving was also my birthday. I got to spend it with my family and with Kris. My little sister loves him which is a lot to say because she doesn't really let anyone hold her but my parents and me. My mom was even surprised. There was a ton of food, in ice-cream cake, and most of my family was there. It was really a lot to be thankful for. We stayed til' everyone left and Kris had no complaints. He usually gets antsy but as of late, he's been really great with giving me time and space with my family. And he's been getting closer to them too. The night prior, Kris and some of my friends took me out to Bourbon Street. It was my first bar/club experience and I had a lot of fun. I felt kind of bad though because I went with my guys friends and I hated feeling like I was leaving them alone. I need more girl friends pronto. There was so much dancing and of course I picked that night to wear stupid pointy shoes. Heh. My favorite drink is definitely a fuzzy navel. I've probably had over 20 over them since my birthday. A lot of creepy guys tried dancing with me and my friends and Kris had to keep saving me. Kris almost killed this guy who kept saying his name was St. Paul St. Paul. I got a free Bourbon Street t-shirt and Kris stole St. Paul's lighter. It really was a great night for me. Lots of techno, amazing drinks, and people I love. What more can a girl ask for?

So after Bourbon was Thanksgiving then after Thanksgiving was work and then my birthday party. Phew. That's a mouthful. Anyways, I'm glad a billion people didn't show up for my party because we honestly don't have the space for it. Some of the most important people in my life showed up which made me really happy. My cousins, Louie, Mike, Ryan, and Gina Moy. People who I haven't seen in over a year came just to spend a little time with me. Simple gestures can mean everything sometimes. I really wish Krystn could have come but with all the chaos life has been throwing at her, I completely understand. I love you Krys and want you to know that you are the epitome of strength to me. I really hope we can see eachother soon. Overall, my party was good. People stayed til' late and we played some really fun drinking games. I got three bottle of X-Rated, my Panda DS game from Ray (weird), my Kirby game from Mike, some flowers from AJ, an external harddrive and some boots from my parents, and cash which went toward my new phone. Heh. It was a good night.

So here I am. Just finished catching up on my shows and thought I would catch up here too. Since I've turned 21 I've been to The Lodge, Groucho's, The Rail, and of course Bourbon. I had some 10 cent wings last night which was really good but they kind of screwed us over on the drinks. I also got to see an improv musical with Kris, Winnie, and Artis which was really funny. I plan on going the next time they play and I'm off. Since we've quit WoW, Kris and I have been doing a lot more and spending a lot more time together. He thought I was asleep last night in the car but I could kind of hear him talking and he was telling Artis that we was really glad we were doing more stuff together. I'm kind of sad for him that he left WoW, I hope he goes back in a less addictive way. Til' then we've both picked up Tamagotchi's and they are our new obsession. Maybe more wings tonight and hopefully things will start looking up for everyone. It's Christmas time. That snowy but loving time of the year. I can't believe time is moving so quickly. I wonder what will happen this year when the hands meet. Hopefully something good.

Penny for Your Thoughts

If only she knew that I have begun to comprehend her struggles.
Late on rent. Angry collectors. Knowing when its too costly to eat.
Trying to provide the best for those your love and barely scraping by to make it.
Sometimes not making it at all.
Selling your possessions just to keep as close to comfortable that you can.
When every dollar counts. When every fraction of a penny has meaning.
Because you hope that they can all come together to give one lasting something... anything.

I hate to see that you struggle like me.
Because you have always worked hard to keep what you have.
To have better. To provide better. At all costs.
Me, I'm just beginning. Entering the world stage left.
Still finding my control and my whims.
Pushing my limits and realizing what it means to break them.

But now as I grow older and I see things so similar to you, I really wish I could help you because you deserve it. When I left, I honestly felt that you were well off. New husband. New baby. New home. New life. Living downtown with a fridge of expensive chocolate.
I thought you wouldn't struggle like we did.
Like you did for me when I was little.
But here we are, turning point of an era.
Part of a generation where money is deteriorating by the second.
And I hate to see that you're still working so hard to keep it all together.

You never fail at making me feel at home.
You never fail at making my heart miss you.
Home cooked meals. Laughter only family can provide.
I know now that though we are so similar,
we insist on a difference to keep us apart.
But though our pockets are empty and our worrisome hearts are full,
I wish you knew that I see you and that I wish so many of the same wishes that you do.

Confront & Conquer

If I had to pinpoint my greatest fear, my greatest weakness, it has always come down to whether I was/am strong enough.
Strong enough to endure. To cope. To come through.
Strong enough for my mother. For my family. My friends. Myself.
Strength in relation to courage is almost impossible to come by.
Saying no. Doing the right thing. Going against what is superficial and doing what is needed.
Turning your back from flimsy excuses and embracing hardship without concern.
The only goal is to achieve. To better. To conquer.

It's almost as if I feel that I was incomplete form the start.
Watching him walk away.
Watching her fall apart.
Turning into her nightmare.
Her angst and her hatred.
Running to someone who ran away from me.
Turning into my own nightmare.
My own hatred and angst.
Falling into the epitome of weakness.
Letting it harbor itself in my soul.
Fully surrendering to an end.

And yet somehow here I am.

I guess no one is ever fool proof. We have our kinks and our dents and our scrapes.
Sometimes we feel like the entire world can see them. When we really can only see them on ourselves.
We victimize ourselves and lessen our worth when we should be strong enough to turn away.

No one needs a hero.
We only need ourselves.
I think many problems are solved when we realize that we are enough in our own right.
And then let the rest of the world fade away.