Somewhere Only We Know

I can't believe that it's been almost the entire month and I have yet to update. Minus the fact that the internet was out for a while, life has only gotten busier for me and it is actually pretty surprising for me because this was supposed to be me "down-time" since I'm not in school. So here I am sitting at my mom's house fighting back my many flooded thoughts when I realized I had this... my twilyte abandon... to turn to.

In an attempt to go from the least complicated to the most, everything with my family is basically the same. My living situation still remains unknown. How? I haven't the slightest clue. With the whole tax return nonsense I was almost positive everything was going to come crashing down but here I am. In one piece and still doing my best to get by. Watching my sister is getting easier though I find that my patience is only lessening. I try to be nice and fun but I find that I am mostly exhausted and agitated every time she bites or hits me. What she really needs is some friends her own age to teach her the proper etiquette on what is acceptable and what is not. Us penalizing her and putting her into time-out isn't cutting it. But I guess she'll learn eventually. I really hope things take a turn for the better for my parents. I hate to know they're struggling. I hate to feel sometimes that they may be struggling when I am not. I don't know... just a lot of thoughts. And I still haven't really spoken to my dad. My grandfather's brother passed away. He's going to the Philippines while my grandmother is going to Mascoutah. I can't even imagine them being apart. (sigh)

Work is well... I am officially a permanent employee at a new store. It's located in Cicero and the customers are insane. Heh. The store is just not as organized as I'm used to and Israel is doing everything in his power to change it, but I guess we're feeling the resistance from within. The new guys I work with are cool. They're just used to doing things their own way and here we come waltzing in to turn their mindsets upside down. I get it. I understand them. I just wish they didn't judge me so quickly. I wish they gave me that breathing room. That welcome. I'm so used to be so comfortable at work and now I'm being put in a warzone and honestly, I think it's only for the best. I can only learn from it. I just really want to get promoted already. People are taking their time and words are meaning less and less to me. And with Kris promoted and all amazing at being third-key I don't know what I want anymore. I know I can do it. I just don't want this stupid wavering confidence to get in the way.

Socially I have entered a new front completely. I have now become a proud member of the Chicago club scene. I get in for free. I get free drinks. I love the loud music. I get to dance like an idiot. People even take my picture sometimes. It's weird. Never thought I'd like it... but I think I'm just getting caught in wanting to experience it all. I finally realized that I have just this one life to live so I am going to see what I can and do what I can before I can't anymore. I've been drinking a lot lately too. That one needs to stop. I have been kind of frivolous with my money in that way but am progressively getting better. I think this is part of the growing process. This freedom I want to experience. The carefree. The restless. The energy. Heh. Maybe I'm just getting started.

Chach... my dearest ChachMo... what oh what are we doing? Heh. Now that he's getting into the club scene too I feel the need to give him his own alloted space. It's kind of like we only get so much time to dance with whoever and be whoever and do whatever and I want him to be able to feel that rush of freedom and excitement too. I hate to think how independent we are from one another now. Maybe not financially and we do honestly still function well together in our home I just feel like emotionally we're straying. Like we're drifting from one another. We just don't have to the time together. The energy to put the effort. Like we want it all to be there whenever we want to just call on it... but I don't know if we even do that anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love him to death. I want happiness for him and I want to make sure he eats and sleeps well and has a good day... but things are changing right in front of us and we really need to decide how we're going to deal with this change before it takes control of us and next thing we know, we're strangers.

That's the gist of it. A quick polaroid of my life right now. Oh... I'm also on a stupid antibiotic for the swollen lymph nodes in my neck. They aren't swollen or hurting me anymore but I have over a week of medication left. Yay! I have to take it 4 times a day. It's craziness. If I'm not healed after all this there may be something wrong with my thyroid. We'll see. I'll be back. But now it's definitely time for sleep. Good night.

I Will Follow You into the Dark

[1] I'm out of school for the semester. How I survived telling my mother that? I'm not entirely sure. I avoided her calls for over a week. Skipped out visiting her and basically just tried to handle the entire situation myself. The previous blog explains all of that. In the end the entire endeavor was useless because city colleges are unprofessional and unreliable. After the 8th call the other night, I had to call my mom back. I didn't want her to think I was murdered. She of course was upset, but things aren't exactly rainbows on her side of the road so I offered to babysit Madison 2 days a week to lighten her load. I'm not quite sure how to feel about not being in school. I'm trying not to dwell. I need to save for next semester. [2] Kris got promoted. So my baby is now an assistant manager at a Gamestop. I am very proud and got him an acoustic guitar to celebrate our late-anniversary-early-Valentine's-Day-Congrats-on-the-Promotion. lol. I just wanted him to know that I think he deserves the best and that I really believe he can do whatever he sets his mind on. I suppose I could [2.5] this next one since it relates to the last. I might be getting promoted as well. Whether or not it's for the right reasons is another thing. I think my manager has taken a liking to me, meh. That and he swears bringing a girl into his new store will really throw off the balance. Kris really wants me to. I really want to minus any unforeseen drama. Oh the drama. I hate it. Avoid it like the plague. [3] Oh Lauren you silly fool. Heh. I am still confused a little on the relationship front because I don't think I'm completely over the past. I don't know if this is just me finding a reason to make it not work. Or looking for a reason to stress out. I am not quite sure. But I need to fix it and quick. I love Kris undeniably. Ever think it's selfish to want more than love? That's me. Someone smack me. I'm not confused per se about how I feel toward him or whether I question if he loves me. I just have this ridiculous need to know exactly how he feels about her. Like I keep trying to interpret it all. Why? No clue. I'm retarded. Oh yeah - not to self, never get into a car with your ex-boyfriend regardless of if you're friends or not. Ray didn't try to make a move me, quite the opposite he actually leant me money to help me pay my debt. But he did talk about wanting to come back to me and whatnot. Awkward. Yep. Alrighty, well me and Charlito need to head to bed. I have a severe need to hug my boyfriend. Cool side note: "You and Kris are on a completely different level than most of us. I have never even seen the beginning of a relationship like yours. You guys are passed all the stupid drama and really support eachother." - Ray

Hmph. Felt good to finally hear something positive from an outside perspective. I'm pretty sure he eavesdropped when Kris was doing crisis management with me about school, but it really made me proud when he said it. I take a lot for granted when it comes to our relationship. I have my stupid tendencies to worry about random things, but really in the end I should be grateful and should stop ruining my present with all the nonsense from the past. Time's a-tickin' and who knows what's going to happen in 2012.

OH! [4] I designed my tattoo. It's a lotus flower symbolizing coming from muck and mirk and growing into a beautiful blossom. It's symbolism for growth past hard times. Then incorporated I want, "For when I am weak, then I am strong." From 2 Corinthians 12:10. Oh the irony. lol. Life has a funny way of teaching you things. But yeah, I had to post that before I forgot. Something a lot like the picture in that same spot. I'm excited.

Leave Out All The Rest

Oh how terrifying blank slates can be. I haven't written in a while and I'm glad at least a lot has happened in its place. Thanksgiving came and went in the blink of an eye. Lucky for me, this year Thanksgiving was also my birthday. I got to spend it with my family and with Kris. My little sister loves him which is a lot to say because she doesn't really let anyone hold her but my parents and me. My mom was even surprised. There was a ton of food, in ice-cream cake, and most of my family was there. It was really a lot to be thankful for. We stayed til' everyone left and Kris had no complaints. He usually gets antsy but as of late, he's been really great with giving me time and space with my family. And he's been getting closer to them too. The night prior, Kris and some of my friends took me out to Bourbon Street. It was my first bar/club experience and I had a lot of fun. I felt kind of bad though because I went with my guys friends and I hated feeling like I was leaving them alone. I need more girl friends pronto. There was so much dancing and of course I picked that night to wear stupid pointy shoes. Heh. My favorite drink is definitely a fuzzy navel. I've probably had over 20 over them since my birthday. A lot of creepy guys tried dancing with me and my friends and Kris had to keep saving me. Kris almost killed this guy who kept saying his name was St. Paul St. Paul. I got a free Bourbon Street t-shirt and Kris stole St. Paul's lighter. It really was a great night for me. Lots of techno, amazing drinks, and people I love. What more can a girl ask for?

So after Bourbon was Thanksgiving then after Thanksgiving was work and then my birthday party. Phew. That's a mouthful. Anyways, I'm glad a billion people didn't show up for my party because we honestly don't have the space for it. Some of the most important people in my life showed up which made me really happy. My cousins, Louie, Mike, Ryan, and Gina Moy. People who I haven't seen in over a year came just to spend a little time with me. Simple gestures can mean everything sometimes. I really wish Krystn could have come but with all the chaos life has been throwing at her, I completely understand. I love you Krys and want you to know that you are the epitome of strength to me. I really hope we can see eachother soon. Overall, my party was good. People stayed til' late and we played some really fun drinking games. I got three bottle of X-Rated, my Panda DS game from Ray (weird), my Kirby game from Mike, some flowers from AJ, an external harddrive and some boots from my parents, and cash which went toward my new phone. Heh. It was a good night.

So here I am. Just finished catching up on my shows and thought I would catch up here too. Since I've turned 21 I've been to The Lodge, Groucho's, The Rail, and of course Bourbon. I had some 10 cent wings last night which was really good but they kind of screwed us over on the drinks. I also got to see an improv musical with Kris, Winnie, and Artis which was really funny. I plan on going the next time they play and I'm off. Since we've quit WoW, Kris and I have been doing a lot more and spending a lot more time together. He thought I was asleep last night in the car but I could kind of hear him talking and he was telling Artis that we was really glad we were doing more stuff together. I'm kind of sad for him that he left WoW, I hope he goes back in a less addictive way. Til' then we've both picked up Tamagotchi's and they are our new obsession. Maybe more wings tonight and hopefully things will start looking up for everyone. It's Christmas time. That snowy but loving time of the year. I can't believe time is moving so quickly. I wonder what will happen this year when the hands meet. Hopefully something good.