Penny for Your Thoughts

If only she knew that I have begun to comprehend her struggles.
Late on rent. Angry collectors. Knowing when its too costly to eat.
Trying to provide the best for those your love and barely scraping by to make it.
Sometimes not making it at all.
Selling your possessions just to keep as close to comfortable that you can.
When every dollar counts. When every fraction of a penny has meaning.
Because you hope that they can all come together to give one lasting something... anything.

I hate to see that you struggle like me.
Because you have always worked hard to keep what you have.
To have better. To provide better. At all costs.
Me, I'm just beginning. Entering the world stage left.
Still finding my control and my whims.
Pushing my limits and realizing what it means to break them.

But now as I grow older and I see things so similar to you, I really wish I could help you because you deserve it. When I left, I honestly felt that you were well off. New husband. New baby. New home. New life. Living downtown with a fridge of expensive chocolate.
I thought you wouldn't struggle like we did.
Like you did for me when I was little.
But here we are, turning point of an era.
Part of a generation where money is deteriorating by the second.
And I hate to see that you're still working so hard to keep it all together.

You never fail at making me feel at home.
You never fail at making my heart miss you.
Home cooked meals. Laughter only family can provide.
I know now that though we are so similar,
we insist on a difference to keep us apart.
But though our pockets are empty and our worrisome hearts are full,
I wish you knew that I see you and that I wish so many of the same wishes that you do.

And so the Lion fell in love with the Lamb

As we were leaving iHop my entire body was falling asleep. I had surrendered and figured we'd just catch the 10:45AM showing today. "So you really want to go tomorrow? Because well, we have tickets." And there they were. Auditorium 5, my lucky number, two tickets with my favorite boy. "Part one," he said. And knowing him and his immaculate way of finding money, it really was. So we went to the theatre and it was freezing. I lay my head on his shoulder and fall asleep til' the movie starts. I felt so bad but I was thoroughly exhausted. And then there is was. This movie that was supposed to give a visual tribute to my favorite book and man, do I have a mouth-full about that.

I felt that having the opportunity to make Twilight a movie was the perfect way to show non-readers exactly what they were missing. After watching the movie, I wanted them to walk out thinking, "So that was what all the hype was about." I wanted the intensity of Edward and Bella to embed itself into people. Their unconditional love and all that they fought for. The agony of hurting each-other and the unexplainable need to be together. The book was so captivating. Many times I felt parallel to Bella and her emotions and ached for a response and need like Edward's. Yet in the movie, it was like a picture show. Snapshot after snapshot of every scene in the book. Just 2D replicas of what I had read. There was no depth or weight. Everything moved so quickly that I felt it was impossible to relate to the characters. The movie did the book no justice. It was like a gothic Sundance interpretation. Kris surprisingly enjoyed it. He said the movie was like a gift to the readers because it showed bits and pieces of the book in actuality. He said that all that read the book were able to fill in all the gaps and spaces and that as a fan-boy/girl were supposed to take this opportunity to laugh at the shoddy interpretation. (sigh) I guess I understand what he means. That the movie never stood a chance at being epic like the novel. I really just wanted more. I didn't want short burst of emotionless scenes. It was as if the entire story happened over the course of a week. Like laying out the book in its simplest form. I was really disappointed.


Don't get me wrong. I really wanted to see this movie. I am so glad that I was able to see it first so that I knew what to expect with the media reaction. I am really glad I got be one of its first critics. The experience was great and overall I am so happy that I was there. Just aside from the experience and when asking about my review, there is another story.

Normal Time

Wash the laundry (two-three loads)
Clean the bedroom
Clean the computer/entertainment room
Shower
Find agenda (Memory-loss FTL)
Throw away the garbage
Be excited about Twilight @ midnight
Create avatar on new 36o Dashboard
Play Fable 2
E-mail Dr. Majer about Psych 201

A lot gets done when I am awake to function during normal hours.
I am definitely going to need a nap somewhere between school and work.
Can't risk being tired for the movies tonight. I am so excited.

I'll be back to write about it eventually.

EDiT (10:58 AM) -----------------------------------

I hate stupid people.
I give them direction. The idea. The substance.
They don't even do as much as reply when I contact them
Rawr.

Confront & Conquer

If I had to pinpoint my greatest fear, my greatest weakness, it has always come down to whether I was/am strong enough.
Strong enough to endure. To cope. To come through.
Strong enough for my mother. For my family. My friends. Myself.
Strength in relation to courage is almost impossible to come by.
Saying no. Doing the right thing. Going against what is superficial and doing what is needed.
Turning your back from flimsy excuses and embracing hardship without concern.
The only goal is to achieve. To better. To conquer.

It's almost as if I feel that I was incomplete form the start.
Watching him walk away.
Watching her fall apart.
Turning into her nightmare.
Her angst and her hatred.
Running to someone who ran away from me.
Turning into my own nightmare.
My own hatred and angst.
Falling into the epitome of weakness.
Letting it harbor itself in my soul.
Fully surrendering to an end.

And yet somehow here I am.

I guess no one is ever fool proof. We have our kinks and our dents and our scrapes.
Sometimes we feel like the entire world can see them. When we really can only see them on ourselves.
We victimize ourselves and lessen our worth when we should be strong enough to turn away.

No one needs a hero.
We only need ourselves.
I think many problems are solved when we realize that we are enough in our own right.
And then let the rest of the world fade away.

Prospects of Marriage and Love

He just fell asleep behind me. Turned off the video games and snuck quietly beside me.
Many of our nights are like this one. My thoughts dance to his more than welcoming snore.
Sometimes we get lucky and our schedules are in sync. But on nights like tonight I sit alone with myself as I contemplate our lives and our many vices. Venturing through what is now our home, I like to marvel at all that we have accomplished thus far.
There have been so many pieces and defining actions that have brought us to who we are now, together and apart.
All these jumbled into sporadic moments of ignorant and well deserved bliss. Creating an image of what we have become.

Sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for a single moment. One that will seal all of this into a circular ring of til' death do us part.
I wonder whether we missed that boat. The one that makes everyone want to jump. Standing on the edge and the emotions are so strong and vertical that no matter what move comes next, you are symmetrical in movement because it is too painful to do otherwise. That one jump the defies your fears of heights and may plummet you to a torturous death but every bone in your body just aches for you to let go and take that chance. When that chance is worth all the repercussions for this love that surpasses the rest of existence. Imagine bursting at the seams because you are unable to contain the immense spectrum of feelings this person gives you. They are breathing proof that you are alive.

And after the six years of proclaiming our feelings and throwing them away and immediately returning to them; I fear that instead of harboring our love. We let it slip through the tiniest of cracks. Not noticing the smallest of fractions escape until that moment and what we have to show is less than we had expected. When you take the sum and hold it out in the palm of your hands and the result is so much smaller than you had counted on.

Whatever is left has got to be enough.
What love is left.
What insanity is left.
What truth and drive and happiness is left.
All that remains has to be enough to push you to jump.
To allow you to fall,
in love and in life together.

And I as I watch him sleep. So peaceful and serene.
I smile because truth be told, I know that I jumped long ago.
And a day in white is not what defined my moment.