Jar of Hearts

2011. Would you believe me had I told you this is who you'd be? Your thoughts. Your actions. Pride. Shame. The entirety of this moment. You gave completely. You tried to pave a broken road. You tried to take a road less traveled. You ended up here. Blogging at 11:04PM. Mind in a state of tranquil recreation yet you know your body is melting to its need of rest. Countless hours of working. Supporting with an invisible hand. Being rejected. One frog. One beast. No princes. All the same. Pieces to the puzzle of your heart unchanged. Evolving. But the same. New attempted editions with questioned motives. The question of being a product of my experiences or a product of my own good will. The journey to discovering how to accomplish the latter. The grander scale of how blood outweighs water. All a blunder of things that only outline what 2010 was. There are things that do not waiver. You learn your own architecture as you grow more familiar with yourself. Which beams support your structure and frame and which ideas create windows of light and opportunity. You learn your secret hideaways and your most comfortable memories. And as time goes, you turn your house into a home.

My Person

I can barely feel myself without you.

What if it all just stopped?

Would it be okay?

Would you still be there?

Shoebox Sentiments

"The downtown lights were each like faded starlit memories. This city is soaked and dripping of everything we are... of everything I hoped to be and everything I've become."

Downtown Chicago.
Every time I go underneath that bridge my mind races to that first moment you took me there. Underage. Freshman. Young and vulnerable. Amazed. Like a sponge soaking it all in. Never would I have guessed how the two of you would change my life forever.

Two guys and a girl.
Both my heart and one became my world.

I have never let my mind fully wander into the world you remained in.
Never let my heart fully break. Never let my thoughts fully grasp.
We can both remember that one night I actually did.
The tears were unending. I couldn't breathe. Couldn't see.
Life stopped. My world was pitch black.
I almost want to ask if you know how terrifying that is...
... watching the one person you love the most leave you in a room full of darkness.
But I've done that to you.
How do you see past the solitary black?
How do you grasp what could really only be your imagination?
After such a crucial blow has been dealt, how do you recover?

When I think about the world we used to share, I almost breakdown into tears.

That was life to me. You were life to me.
But I ultimately feel like I failed you.
I thought I was loving you. I thought I was unconditional.
I thought I was supportive. Encouraging. Inspiring.

But if all I was... was clueless...
An endless nag who instead of helping was hurting...
Then I have to come to terms that I really didn't know how to love you.
And that thought in itself blows my mind.

If I could describe in words how much I thought I was giving to you...
... maybe you would understand how hopeless I feel to know I was only taking from you and hurting you. Just like you said that you didn't feel like you were enough... I am so disoriented by this knowledge that I don't even feel like I was anything. Like I am anything.

You've colored my world black and white.
And left only one way or another.
You're my purest memory.
My greatest heartache.
A part of my very being that will always remain.

What do I do?

"The downtown lights were each like faded starlit memories. This city is soaked and dripping of everything we are... of everything I hoped to be and everything I've become."

This city is You.

Somewhere Only We Know

I can't believe that it's been almost the entire month and I have yet to update. Minus the fact that the internet was out for a while, life has only gotten busier for me and it is actually pretty surprising for me because this was supposed to be me "down-time" since I'm not in school. So here I am sitting at my mom's house fighting back my many flooded thoughts when I realized I had this... my twilyte abandon... to turn to.

In an attempt to go from the least complicated to the most, everything with my family is basically the same. My living situation still remains unknown. How? I haven't the slightest clue. With the whole tax return nonsense I was almost positive everything was going to come crashing down but here I am. In one piece and still doing my best to get by. Watching my sister is getting easier though I find that my patience is only lessening. I try to be nice and fun but I find that I am mostly exhausted and agitated every time she bites or hits me. What she really needs is some friends her own age to teach her the proper etiquette on what is acceptable and what is not. Us penalizing her and putting her into time-out isn't cutting it. But I guess she'll learn eventually. I really hope things take a turn for the better for my parents. I hate to know they're struggling. I hate to feel sometimes that they may be struggling when I am not. I don't know... just a lot of thoughts. And I still haven't really spoken to my dad. My grandfather's brother passed away. He's going to the Philippines while my grandmother is going to Mascoutah. I can't even imagine them being apart. (sigh)

Work is well... I am officially a permanent employee at a new store. It's located in Cicero and the customers are insane. Heh. The store is just not as organized as I'm used to and Israel is doing everything in his power to change it, but I guess we're feeling the resistance from within. The new guys I work with are cool. They're just used to doing things their own way and here we come waltzing in to turn their mindsets upside down. I get it. I understand them. I just wish they didn't judge me so quickly. I wish they gave me that breathing room. That welcome. I'm so used to be so comfortable at work and now I'm being put in a warzone and honestly, I think it's only for the best. I can only learn from it. I just really want to get promoted already. People are taking their time and words are meaning less and less to me. And with Kris promoted and all amazing at being third-key I don't know what I want anymore. I know I can do it. I just don't want this stupid wavering confidence to get in the way.

Socially I have entered a new front completely. I have now become a proud member of the Chicago club scene. I get in for free. I get free drinks. I love the loud music. I get to dance like an idiot. People even take my picture sometimes. It's weird. Never thought I'd like it... but I think I'm just getting caught in wanting to experience it all. I finally realized that I have just this one life to live so I am going to see what I can and do what I can before I can't anymore. I've been drinking a lot lately too. That one needs to stop. I have been kind of frivolous with my money in that way but am progressively getting better. I think this is part of the growing process. This freedom I want to experience. The carefree. The restless. The energy. Heh. Maybe I'm just getting started.

Chach... my dearest ChachMo... what oh what are we doing? Heh. Now that he's getting into the club scene too I feel the need to give him his own alloted space. It's kind of like we only get so much time to dance with whoever and be whoever and do whatever and I want him to be able to feel that rush of freedom and excitement too. I hate to think how independent we are from one another now. Maybe not financially and we do honestly still function well together in our home I just feel like emotionally we're straying. Like we're drifting from one another. We just don't have to the time together. The energy to put the effort. Like we want it all to be there whenever we want to just call on it... but I don't know if we even do that anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love him to death. I want happiness for him and I want to make sure he eats and sleeps well and has a good day... but things are changing right in front of us and we really need to decide how we're going to deal with this change before it takes control of us and next thing we know, we're strangers.

That's the gist of it. A quick polaroid of my life right now. Oh... I'm also on a stupid antibiotic for the swollen lymph nodes in my neck. They aren't swollen or hurting me anymore but I have over a week of medication left. Yay! I have to take it 4 times a day. It's craziness. If I'm not healed after all this there may be something wrong with my thyroid. We'll see. I'll be back. But now it's definitely time for sleep. Good night.

Back to Where Your Heart Is

"Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth."

Oh how they hang from her. Hypnotized by her scrutinizingly innocent eyes.
Weave me my ideal they beg. Show me what I want to see.
Be who I cannot find and I shall worship, I shall inhale your very existence.
Like the final flame of humanity, they cradle and protect her from the elements.
My own. My love. My secret. My wonder.
Possession to its fullest extent and this muse imprisons herself.

Who created thee? Who breathed you into life my ladylove?
What entity... what artist... sculpted this most perfect beauty?
And as they raise the pedestal higher and higher still,
eyes wide open they fail to see.

A metamorphic ghost. A shell missing its core.
Life simply without breath. Without organs.
And blood. And flesh.
She is but an ever-changing wisp of hollowed time.

And through triumphant failures will they climb.
Proclamation and creed their only just cause.
Stitching ever so carefully a blanket of conformity that will devour her.

Come one, come all to attempt this feat and jest in masked glory.
But be weary for the fates are against you.
For the winds will unravel her. And the waters will cleanse her.
The sun will warm and awaken her beating heart.
The earth will take her from your pedestal and lay her gently upon its surface,
and you will finally see...
... who I am. Who I was. Who I will be.
And only then will your love be free.