Who I've Been Hates Who I've Become

(sigh) I want to write this and I honestly don't want to come off narcissistic but this my blog so here we go.

Ever since my junior year I feel like I waver the line of having my confidence and completely forgetting I was born with it. Heh. I am a confident girl. I love to be outgoing and fun and flirty. I find comfort in being homely. I am not bitchy. I find it most rewarding to be polite and honest with people. I have morals and expectations. I want thrill and safety. But who have I been? Quiet. Insecure. Sheesh I gained weight! I feel ugly some days. I feel ashamed and I get angry and the anger evolves into frustration and it ends with me just wanting it to be natural. I can remember days I wake loving light and air and life and appreciating the pain and the stress but relishing in the outcome. I want that back. I want the me I know I AM. Not just the potential. Not just the thought. I want the reality.

It might be ignorant of me but I hate to think that I have met people these past years who think I am less than what I know. That I've been second guessed and doubted. That I've been looked over and ignored. Not by just anyone, but by people who I feel should value what I have to offer. Maybe that's ignorant and naive. No one has to value me and I shouldn't need to be valued. But I really feel like the people who care about you should value me. Note to self: not everyone cares about you. lol.

I don't know. I wish I felt like someone could see me. Wish he could see more than anyone. Ah! Why does this matter to me so much?! Rawr,

Work party tonight at Durbin's. I'm excited. Maybe I'll let my colors shine a little. I know there are people there who think they get me but I'm an iceberg hun. You just got the surfaced part and I've got plenty more to share.

Nerd.

I Will Follow You into the Dark

[1] I'm out of school for the semester. How I survived telling my mother that? I'm not entirely sure. I avoided her calls for over a week. Skipped out visiting her and basically just tried to handle the entire situation myself. The previous blog explains all of that. In the end the entire endeavor was useless because city colleges are unprofessional and unreliable. After the 8th call the other night, I had to call my mom back. I didn't want her to think I was murdered. She of course was upset, but things aren't exactly rainbows on her side of the road so I offered to babysit Madison 2 days a week to lighten her load. I'm not quite sure how to feel about not being in school. I'm trying not to dwell. I need to save for next semester. [2] Kris got promoted. So my baby is now an assistant manager at a Gamestop. I am very proud and got him an acoustic guitar to celebrate our late-anniversary-early-Valentine's-Day-Congrats-on-the-Promotion. lol. I just wanted him to know that I think he deserves the best and that I really believe he can do whatever he sets his mind on. I suppose I could [2.5] this next one since it relates to the last. I might be getting promoted as well. Whether or not it's for the right reasons is another thing. I think my manager has taken a liking to me, meh. That and he swears bringing a girl into his new store will really throw off the balance. Kris really wants me to. I really want to minus any unforeseen drama. Oh the drama. I hate it. Avoid it like the plague. [3] Oh Lauren you silly fool. Heh. I am still confused a little on the relationship front because I don't think I'm completely over the past. I don't know if this is just me finding a reason to make it not work. Or looking for a reason to stress out. I am not quite sure. But I need to fix it and quick. I love Kris undeniably. Ever think it's selfish to want more than love? That's me. Someone smack me. I'm not confused per se about how I feel toward him or whether I question if he loves me. I just have this ridiculous need to know exactly how he feels about her. Like I keep trying to interpret it all. Why? No clue. I'm retarded. Oh yeah - not to self, never get into a car with your ex-boyfriend regardless of if you're friends or not. Ray didn't try to make a move me, quite the opposite he actually leant me money to help me pay my debt. But he did talk about wanting to come back to me and whatnot. Awkward. Yep. Alrighty, well me and Charlito need to head to bed. I have a severe need to hug my boyfriend. Cool side note: "You and Kris are on a completely different level than most of us. I have never even seen the beginning of a relationship like yours. You guys are passed all the stupid drama and really support eachother." - Ray

Hmph. Felt good to finally hear something positive from an outside perspective. I'm pretty sure he eavesdropped when Kris was doing crisis management with me about school, but it really made me proud when he said it. I take a lot for granted when it comes to our relationship. I have my stupid tendencies to worry about random things, but really in the end I should be grateful and should stop ruining my present with all the nonsense from the past. Time's a-tickin' and who knows what's going to happen in 2012.

OH! [4] I designed my tattoo. It's a lotus flower symbolizing coming from muck and mirk and growing into a beautiful blossom. It's symbolism for growth past hard times. Then incorporated I want, "For when I am weak, then I am strong." From 2 Corinthians 12:10. Oh the irony. lol. Life has a funny way of teaching you things. But yeah, I had to post that before I forgot. Something a lot like the picture in that same spot. I'm excited.

There's Nothing Left to Beg For

Isn't it amazing how pissed off you can be one minute and then how thankful you can be the next? Maybe amazing isn't the right word... Heh. Well, I am officially on the edge of losing my mind because of school and I have to give him a lot of credit for helping me scrounge up the 600 dollars to register part-time, wait in line with me for 4 hours to actually register, only to find out that I can't register. I love how when you ask about holds on your account they don't tell you til' the very last minute that you have an "outstanding balance" wherein I HAVE to pay 800 dollars before they will even let me register. So there that went. I am so frustrated and depressed and almost hopeless. And I feel terrible that he's forced to have to deal with me like this. Part of me wants to drown myself in every negative vice that I can think of while the tiniest part of me knows that I just have to keep going. I'm worried about what to tell my mom. Whether she'll understand. Whether I'll ease up long enough on myself to not feel like a complete failure. I have until Thursday to find over a thousand dollars. I have two days. We'll see where that goes. But until then I just want to say Thank You Chach... for always making my problems YOUR problems and for always trying to help me even when I'm acting up and don't deserve to be helped. I am more thankful for you than you could even imagine.

The Plan

Need: $1,200

- Financial Aid ---> $0
- Get a loan ---> $0
- Ask Kris' Mom ---> $200
- Ask my dad ---> $0
- Ask Ninang ---> $0
- Ask my grandfather ---> $500
- Gather extra cash from relatives ---> $0
- Ray ---> $200
- Kris ---> $200
- Paycheck ---> $100

Too Close for Comfort

I hate feeling like nothing is changing. There are no differences for the better. Sometimes I glimpse hope and then it disappears into the air again. I am so frustrated. I am so confused on whether I am right or wrong and the whole situation is retarded. I know that I'm not perfect. I know that more often than not, I am mistaken but I've never been ashamed to admit it. I just feel like if you get it, you get it. The situation isn't touchy for you so why in hell's name are you offended? Okay, you're agitated. You're offended. But at the end of the day you feel justified and at the end of every day I feel like I got the short end of the stick. I feel gipped. I feel like I am AGAIN dealing with a situation where I got screwed over and you walked away clean. Oh, but I insulted you? Insulted what?! You don't care! You would do it again. So who cares if I slightly burnt your ego or your pride? In comparison, my pride was laughed at and pointed at and degraded and forgotten. How much emotionally did you have to deal with in your decision? If you'd repeat it, apprently not a lot. I'm sure I explained the hell I went through in specific to you. I went through hell. And you would do it again. Who is supposed to bend here? Am I supposed to just get over it and forget it and drop it and leave it. But it was special. Crucial. One of those things that can only happen once. And I get that for you, it was no where near that but does that make it okay for you to scoff at what it was for me? You get it but you don't understand what I refuse to be "okay" with it. I was sixteen when you asked me to marry you. It was the first diamond ring I had ever gotten and I stared at it every day I was away to remind me of you. And even though we broke up, do you remember what happened? Do you remember how you called me because you wanted it back? That would have been okay if you just wanted it back. But no, you called me and told me you wanted it back to specifically give it back to her. I don't remember much. But I do remember how I put that ring on the only gold chain I had, and how I STILL wore it even after we had started dating other people. How I CRIED. How BETRAYED. How AWFUL the whole thing just was. How people contacted me about it just to ask if it was really TRUE that you DID that to ME. And asked how could you have really MEANT it if you were so ready to just give it away again? Don't you see?

Fine. It was your ring. Your family. Your right to give it to whoever you want.

But it was my one ring. My only ring. I took that engagement promise with it to heart. That ring was the embodiment of our entire relationship. And did I ever tell you how Gina had to hold my hand the first time I saw her wearing the ring? How I almost fell apart in an instant because someone else was wearing a ring that meant the entire world to me? Don't you get it? How awful did you feel when you gave it away? How bad did you feel whenever you held her hand and she was wearing it? Did it tear you in places you can't even describe? Did it haunt you? And mock? And did you have to fight not only your friends, but yourself to prove that that ring was really just a stupid ring with no real attachment?

That ring was and still is something that reminds of how raw and vulnerable and how stupid I was or still am. Just like how when people tell you that she used you and took what she wanted and left you behind BURNS you and forever suffocates whatever pride you have gathered since. It's the same for me. You don't even know where it is anymore. It was just another ring to you. And it was SO SO SO important to me in ways you will NEVER understand because you are naturally unattached and disassociated with EVERYTHING. Think of how different we are on these terms and just TRY to BEGIN to understand because you will NEVER fully get it. You will never REALLY feel the plethora of emotions that surge me. The anger. The distrust. The saddness. The pain. The JOY. The EXCITEMENT. The LOVE. All the good and the bad that come and go in its smallest mention. I just want you to get it. With every bone in my being, I wish you lived 5 minutes with my tired heart and worn soul. Just 5 minutes to feel it. I'd love to see how you'd react.

Ultimately, it just breaks my heart again. Every time I remember my heart breaks a little in its memory. And if that makes me dramatic or irrational or ignorant or wrong, then so be it. You will never understand.

Lee-Way Heart to Heart

Ever hear that humans are always their own toughest critic? I have come to notice that not only are we the hardest judges on ourselves but also on those we love the most. We push and we shove them into little moldings of what they should be to us instead of what they should or want to be for themselves. And in turn, they end up resenting us and we them for not being enough or for not understanding. It's a terrible game we play that only results in more pain and anger than was necessary. If we could all just take a few steps back, remove all of our personal prejudices and thoughts and really view a person for all they have to offer and want from life... if we take a moment to really see THEM versus see the person WE want from them... I think things would be so much different. We could honestly want the best for our lovers, our friends, our families... we would able to understand what we label their stupidities or their faults and take time to nurture their weakness and harbor their strengths. That's what helps a person grow. Not amplifying their mistakes or reminding them of how they haven't improved, we need to remember how hard some struggles are to get through and though it may be simple for you, they are not you... so try and give them that help and space they need to flourish in their own body. Why make them feel less than what they are? Challenge them in ways that make them happy to exceed their limits. Why make someone you love dread any part of themselves or their lives? If you truly love them, selflessly and unconditionally, then allow them to embrace their potential and be not a fiery wrath but a guiding light. And then maybe... you both will end up happier with each other.